An Explanation

Hey guys,

First of all, I'm sorry for going MIA. You guys have been a great readerbase and I know it sucks to be left high and dry.

I've really wrestled with whether to write this post or to just let the blog die rather than open this window into my personal life. The thing is, this blog brought me a lot of joy, and right now I'm trying to reconnect to the things in my life that make me feel happy. However, to do that, I feel like I need to offer you an explanation.

So here goes:

Before my boyfriend and I left for Portugal, we got some really exciting news: I found out that I was pregnant. It wasn't exactly planned, but once we recovered from the surprise we were really excited about it, and the trip seemed like an excellent way to celebrate.

The morning sickness and exhaustion got more intense during the trip and while they didn't detract from my enjoyment, I was definitely passing out by like 9 PM every night. This was also part of the reason why some of the posts were late, although I'll admit that just enjoying the trip factored in to that, too.

That trip was honestly just so amazing. The two of us were just wrapped up in our little bliss bubble and I can't even describe how happy we were.

The trip back was a bit rough. Over 20 hours of travel time is unpleasant in any circumstances, and that was compounded by being tired and nauseated.

When we got back, things were so crazy with cleaning up the house and getting ready to go back to work. I guess that I was stressed, tired, and generally pretty distracted. I went grocery shopping a few days after we got back, and on my way home, I got in a car accident. Nothing major, very little damage and no one was seriously injured, but I started having cramping and bleeding later that day. I went to the hospital and they confirmed that I was miscarrying.

I actually can't explain how devastated I have been by losing the baby. I barely got out of bed for a week afterwards, and after that, really only left my house to go to work. I have been miserable to be around and known it and still been unable to do anything about it. My friends and family have all tried to help, and I've basically been shutting them out. It's only in the last two weeks that I've started to feel even remotely like myself again.

I know that many women go through this, that it happens more often than I think, and that there's no way of even knowing if the car accident is what caused it or if it was just not meant to be, but I have a lot of guilt about it. There is a lot of stuff that I'm carrying and that I have to work through to get past this. I'm working really hard to focus on the positive right now. Part of that is, as I mentioned, reconnecting to the things that make me happy.

Which brings me to the blog. Writing has always been an escape, and I'm hopeful that it can be one again. Having said that, writing is for me a very introspective process, and introspection right now is difficult and painful. I really want to come back, but I just can't make a promise about when that will be. Among other things, I've lost the thread of the story in my mind and need to get the feel of it again.

I guess I will just post a return date as soon as I know when that is. I'm really sorry that I can't be more definite. All I can promise right now is that I will try. I hope you guys understand.

Lastly, thank you all for your support over the last month. I literally haven't even checked the blog once until last night. When I saw the amount of comments, I almost just deleted them without reading them, because I couldn't handle any negativity. When I finally steeled myself to face it, I couldn't believe the messages of support and concern. I really appreciate it. It made this incredibly hard post a little bit easier to write.

Anyways, that's all I've got for right now. I hope to write to you all soon. Take care.

Next post...

... Will be up tomorrow!

We got in last night and let's just say my boyfrind's brother has a very different understanding of what "clean" means. I have been scrubbing out my fridge for the last hour.

Anyway, I'll work on the post tomorrow AM, and it should be up by tomorrow night!

EDIT: Sorry guys, I started doing some work stuff and the day got away from me. I'm back at work tomorrow, but I'll try to finish the post when I get home. Sorry again!

Judgement Day

I woke up the next morning feeling slightly disoriented. I blinked a few times, taking in Rhiannon's sleeping body next to me, and the events of the night before slowly trickled back in. I closed my eyes, wanting to crawl in a hole and die.

I slid out from between the sheets and went out to my tiny kitchen, easing the bedroom door closed behind me so I wouldn't wake Rhi. Coffee was going to be a necessary step in processing this clusterfuck.

When it was ready, I grabbed a mug and curled up on my couch. I forced myself to rip the bandaid off and face every piece of the night baldly, no rose-coloured glasses. My stomach twisted when I thought about what Reid had told me about his mom, and by the time I got to our weird not-quite-but-almost-suggestion-of-a-kiss, I felt like I was going to throw up.

I almost kissed a married guy last night. 

I felt hot tears of shame well up in my eyes. I was a flirtatious person and always had been, but I'd never found myself in the kind of position I'd gotten into the night before. A heartbeat away from cheating.

But you didn't cheat! A small, comforting voice inside me insisted. Nothing ACTUALLY happened.

But it could've happened, I thought to myself grimly. And in that moment, I wanted it to happen.

Gavin and Sarah's faces popped into my head, and then I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I heard my bedroom door open, and I swiped the tears away, turning my face in the opposite direction.

"Morning sunshine! There's coffee in the pot," I said, attempting to infuse some cheer into my voice.

"Thank God," Rhi groaned, shuffling over to pour herself a cup.

By the time she plopped down next to me on the couch, I was as close an approximation to normal as I was going to get.

Rhi tossed me her phone, and said, "Look what I woke up to this morning."

I unlocked her screen, and saw a string of messages from between midnight and 3 AM. All of them from Eric.

Hey, hope you're having a fun night!

Where did you and Allie end up going again?

Let me know if you need a ride later.

Hope you got home OK!

Seriously! Is he made of Saran-wrap? Because he's clingy as fuck!"

"I don't know if I'd say clingy," I reasoned. "I just think that he is hoping for things to go somewhere and is trying to nudge them in that direction."

Rhi groaned and flopped her head back against the couch. "I do not want a relationship right now. I just wanted a fun, harmless fling! I thought Eric was a safe bet! Now he's wrecking the whole thing!"

I laughed. "Poor Rhi, can't help but make even the biggest player fall in love."

She whacked me with a throw pillow. "Shut up!"

"Well as a wise woman once said to me," I went on in a teasing voice, "you have to have the hard conversation."

Rhi smirked at the irony. "What asshole sold you that bullshit sandwich? That is clearly terrible advice. Ghosting is obviously the only solution in this situation."

I snorted. "Definitely the most mature approach."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You know I'd never do that." She sighed before adding, "I guess it has to be dealt with. Can't avoid it forever."

Her words seemed to conjure up the events of the night before. The silence that followed in the wake of her words was heavy with tension.

I stared into my mug. After the night before, I owed a few people an apology, but Rhi was the only one I could actually make amends with. I took a deep breath, and said, "About last night..."

Rhi studied me warily over the rim of her mug, waiting for me to continue.

I grimaced. "You were right. I was being a complete idiot. I'm sorry for being such a bitch."

"I wasn't trying to be judgemental," Rhi said quietly. "I was just worried about you."

That made me feel even worse. "I know," I said softly.

"Maybe I overreacted," Rhiannon went on. "I just looked over and saw you guys, and all I could think about was Teo and that girl."

My face froze. Rhiannon hadn't so much as said Matteo's name since the morning after we'd seen him. I hadn't pushed it, trying to respect her processing time.

She exhaled deeply. "Having someone make promises to you, build a whole life with you, and then just betray you like that, just toss you aside for someone else... It hurts so bad, Allie. You're my best friend and I have your back no matter what, but..." she trailed off, before flicking her eyes up to mine. "I would hate it if you did to someone what Teo and that girl did to me."

I nodded dumbly, swallowing down the lump that rose in my throat. "I would never want to be that person," I said shakily. "I think that's why I got so defensive last night. I knew that I crossed a line."

"Well, you weren't the only one that crossed the line, Allie," Rhi said reproachfully. "He's just as much to blame, if not more. From where I was standing, he reached for you."

I shrugged, heat rising in my face. I couldn't allow myself to linger on thoughts of Reid's hands on me. Of the want in his eyes as they'd roved over my face. Those thoughts led to dangerous places.

I physically shook the images away and hardened my resolve. "I don't care about whose fault it was. I just have to make sure that it doesn't happen again."

Holiday Hangover - Part 2

Hey guys sorry about the late post. Not sure if you're up on your Portugal news, but the crazy fires here have really screwed things up. We were supposed to go down south but the fires moved that way. On the train Wednesday, we passed like five different fires, it was crazy. We got freaked out and ended up hopping out to go back north, which meant scrambling to find accommodations at the last minute. Not that I'm complaining; people here have lost their homes and even died, which is truly tragic and obviously a far greater problem than disrupted vacation plans. 

Anyways, we worked things out and are actually going to be in one place for a few days, so there will be another post up tomorrow, I promise promise promise! I also fleshed this one out a bit so it's a little meatier than it was originally. See you again tomorrow!

*****

"Hey," I said back shyly. I resisted the urge to break eye contact, but couldn't help the flush that rose under Reid's warm gaze.

Luckily, Rhiannon provided me with a welcome distraction as she leaned in front of me. "Since Allie seems to have forgotten her manners," she said, nudging me with her elbow before extending her hand. "I'm Rhiannon."

"Reid," he said, shaking her hand briefly. He pointed a thumb at Jay. "And this questionable individual is Jay."

Rhiannon smiled knowingly. "I've heard stories."

Jay grinned devilishly. "Only good things, I'm sure."

"If you say so," Rhi teased back with raised brows.

"Let's get you a drink and maybe you can tell me a few of your stories then," Jay parried smoothly.

Rhi flashed him a smile and they moved down the bar towards the bartender. Leaving me to Reid, who wore an expression of resigned amusement. He nodded towards Rhi and Jay and commented drily, "You may want to keep an eye on your friend. Jay has her in his sights."

I laughed. "I'm not worried. Rhiannon can handle him." Rhi may have been out of the game for a while, but she wasn't naive enough to take his attention as anything other than what it was. I could tell she found his blatantly flirty banter as harmlessly entertaining as I did.

We leant back on the bar in companionable silence for a few moments. "Did you have a good Christmas?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "It was fine. We went out to Sarah's parents' place and did the usual dinner and presents thing."

I picked up on the fact that he made no mention of his family and also that he very clearly did not want to talk about it, so I didn't push. Keeping cards close to the chest was something I understood all too well.

After a moment, he asked, "How about you?"

I shrugged. "My sister and I take turns going home for Christmas, and it was my turn this year."

He frowned. "By yourself? Gavin didn't go with you?"

My mouth lifted in a cynical half-smile. This was a question I got a lot. Usually, I trotted out a simple stock answer but something about Reid invited confidences, and before I knew it, I was saying, "Gavin's family is wonderful and mine is just... a lot to deal with. He always offers to come with me, but I would feel like an asshole pulling him away from his happy family to join me in my misery."

"I doubt that he'd see it that way," Reid said, his frown deepening. "He'd probably like to be there for you, easing the load."

I lifted my eyebrows and cocked my head, acknowledging the point. I smiled ruefully and admitted, "Sharing the load isn't exactly my forte."

He laughed without humour. "Oh, trust me, I know how that is." He took a deep breath and raked his hand through his hair, his gaze leaving mine as he continued, "My family is a lot to take, too."

I nodded. I sensed what a big deal it was for Reid to reveal even this much, and was careful to keep my expression neutral. Sympathy was easily mistaken for pity, and that's the last thing I'd wanted on the rare occasions when I opened up about my family.

He nudged me and said, "You are like the least nosey person ever."

I smiled at him and replied, "I know what it's like when people push for more information than I'm willing to give. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else."

"Yeah, well most people don't understand. They just feel bad for you -"

"Which makes you feel even shittier about it," I finished for him.

"Exactly," he said. "It's different with someone who's been through it."

I saw what Reid was offering. The chance to share the load with someone who understood. And for some crazy reason, I felt a sense of kinship with him that I hadn't ever felt with anyone else. But that didn't make it much easier to lay bare a vulnerability that I had guarded fiercely my whole life.

And yet, I found myself taking a shaky breath and pushing the words through the tightness in my chest. "My parents hate each other. They spent my whole childhood screaming at each other in front of us while deluding themselves that they were staying together for our benefit." Reid quirked an eyebrow at the irony. "When they finally divorced, my sister and I were so relieved, but all that changed was that they sniped at each other through us instead. When my sister got engaged, the wedding became all about them competing to be the better parent and making her feel guilty about accepting the other's help. It got so bad that she and her husband ended up eloping and taking an offer to move out of state as soon as one came up." I looked down and shook my head, smiling cynically. "They've been divorced for almost ten years. You'd think they'd have gotten the hang of it by now."

Reid took a swig from his beer and I wished desperately that I had a drink so that I could have something to do with my hands, something to distract me from the sense of panic that always followed letting my guard down. "That sucks," he said simply, and I nodded wordlessly, my eyes looking anywhere but at him as I fought to get a grip on my emotions.

I finally managed a shrug. "You get used to it."

"Do you?" He asked, his voice rough. "I'm still waiting for that to happen."

I looked up at him and this time he was the one looking away as he said, "My mom is bipolar. When I was growing up, our whole household revolved around her up- and down-swings." He swallowed hard and went on,  his voice hardening with bitter resentment. "When I turned 18, I finally had enough and I packed up my sister and moved us to my grandparents' place. My dad tried to stick it out with my mom, but it finally got so bad that even he couldn't ignore the fact that she needed help. She would agree to go into a facility, and the second that the meds kicked in, she'd insist that she was ready to come home. Of course, my dad would cave, and sure enough, the second she got home, she'd go off her meds and they'd be right back at square one."

I fought back the sympathy that threatened to show in my face at the thought of a teenage Reid dealing with this mess, raising himself and his sister in the process. He sighed heavily and said, "After a few years, my dad finally realized that my mom was not getting better. He pushed her to check into long term care and she left him." He took another deep swig from his beer and rolled his shoulders restlessly. "Every once in a while, she surfaces to wreak havoc on my dad and Marley's lives, and then disappears again and they have to pick up the pieces. The rest of the time, we have no idea where she is or how she's doing."

"Jesus, Reid," I said.

He looked over at me with the saddest smile I'd ever seen. "Hey, no feeling bad for me, remember?"

My laugh was shaky and forced. "Right, sorry."

Our eyes met and held. I felt like I couldn't tear my eyes away even if I'd tried, as if our confidences were a physical bond holding us together.

The spell was broken by Jay's loud laughter as he and Rhiannon traipsed over to us. The awareness of our surroundings rushed back, and my face flushed as the weight of my words sunk in. Suddenly, I felt an urge to flee and lock myself behind my strong girl persona.

Rhiannon shoved a drink into my hand, and I forced myself to take a sip and assume a casual air, as if I hadn't just been baring the deepest, darkest part of my soul. As if Reid hadn't been doing the same.

Trailing behind Jay was a cluster of guys, his aforementioned "buddies." Jay made introductions, which bought me a bit more time to regain my shattered composure. The conversation was light and required nothing from me other than to laugh at regular intervals. By the time I hit the bottom of my drink, I was back to normal, every piece of my persona in place.

"Jeez, you thirsty?" The joking remark came from a super tall blond guy whose name I was fairly certain was Paul.

"I have it on good authority that Allie knows how to throw down," Jay chimed in.

"You guys just wish you could keep up with me," I replied playfully. This I could do. Banter was my wheelhouse.

At that moment, the opening chords to Fatboy Slim's "Praise You" rang out and Rhiannon let out a sound that was something between a squeal and a shriek. She dragged me onto the dance floor and the boys followed.

It was considerably closer quarters now and  I felt the fleeting brush of several bodies against mine as we danced. I closed my eyes and gave into my buzz, languidly twisting and swaying along with the music.

Until it registered in my mind that there was one body brushing against mine, too often to be incidental.

I felt a set of hips settle in to cradle my ass and I pivoted sharply to face Tall Blond Paul. I put a hand against his shoulder to push myself away, but his big hands closed around my waist, drawing me closer.

I pushed harder and said firmly, "I have a boyfriend."

He smiled and leaned in, almost yelling over the music, "What?"

One of his hands slipped up my shirt to rest on my bare lower back, while the other slid lower. My head began to spin and the faces around me blurred eerily under the flashing lights. I began to feel hot and claustrophobic in the crush of bodies. I arched my back to rear away from him, but it only brought my hips closer to his. He laughed and tried to draw me even closer, and then suddenly a hand clamped firmly around my waist and yanked me away. I stumbled back against a hard body, and stubble brushed my temple. I tilted my head back and saw Reid, his face rigid with anger as he glared at Paul. He glanced down at me and bit out the words, "You okay?"

I nodded, still trying to swallow down the sick feeling in my throat. Reid turned me around and began to guide me out of the crowd, turning over his shoulder to say something angrily to Paul, who rolled his eyes in response.

When we got to the bar, Reid ordered me a water and I downed it immediately in thirsty gulps. I slammed the glass down on the bar and fanned my face, trying to cool down. Reid looked at me with grim concern, before reaching over to lift the weight of my hair off of my face and neck. The rush of cooler air felt so good that I forgot to be self-conscious about how nasty and sweaty I was, and simply sighed with relief.

I opened my eyes to thank Reid, but the words lodged in my throat at the intensity of his gaze. His eyes roamed hungrily over my face and settled on my parted lips. I felt his look like a physical touch and my bones melted under it. I unconsciously swayed towards him, my hand drifting to his chest. He let out a sharp breath, his hands tightening in my hair.

The jarring sound of a glass hitting the floor caused us both to blink and spring apart as if we'd touched an electrical fence. My head was spinning again, but not from the booze or the heat.

"I gotta - I'm gonna go find -" Reid stammered awkwardly.

"Yeah, me too. Bye!" I managed to splutter out. I spun and pushed through to the corner where Rhiannon and I had ditched our coats. I gathered them up and turned to see her making her way over to me. I signalled to the exit, and she nodded, changing course to meet me there.

Neither of us said a word as we hustled down the stairs and through the lower level. We spilled out into the freezing cold and I inhaled deeply, pushing my arms into my coat.

When I finally turned to look at Rhiannon, concern was written all over her face. And there was a trace of something else. Judgment.

"Allie," she said, warning in her tone, "What the hell was that?"

"What?" I challenged defensively, color rising in my face.

She raised her eyebrows. "Isn't that guy married?"

"Yes, he is," I answered, anger covering something else. Shame. "What about it?"

Surprise rippled across her face. I never got angry with Rhi, never talked to her like this.

I felt a stab of guilt, and cast my eyes down. "Nothing happened," I said quietly. "That Paul guy was grabbing me and Reid pulled me away. That was all."

"Allie," her voice softened. I forced my eyes up to her face, and saw worry written in the creases of her frown. "I saw how you guys looked at each other. You're both playing with fire."

"Nothing happened," I said again, more emphatically this time.

She nodded, her mouth tightening at the obstinance in my face. She ventured one last warning, "Just be careful. I don't want you to get hurt."

Her softly spoken words pierced me in the chest and I felt another hot stab of shame. "I'll be careful," I said.

A distance hung between us like a spectre the whole way back to my apartment. As we washed our makeup off and got ready for bed, Rhiannon's question bounced around in my head.

What the hell was that?

Each time I came up with a different answer.

It was the after effects of the stress of spending the holidays with my parents.

It was the fallout of us confiding in one another after too many drinks.

It was me drinking too much and losing my head.

It was the panic I felt when Paul grabbed me mingling with relief and gratitude when Reid saved me.

Even still I knew that there was another answer lurking at the back of my mind, one that I refused to give voice to. One that made my stomach curdle with shame every time it tried to approach the surface. And that answer was the one closest to the truth.

Holiday Hangover - Part 1

The holidays went exactly how I expected them to go.

My sister and I took turns going home at holidays. She'd done Thanksgiving, so I got Christmas. Lucky me. My parents had divorced eight years ago... And about ten years too late. No matter how I split the time between them, they both thought that the other had gotten the better end of the deal, and would make that very clear through thinly veiled passive-aggressive remarks (Mom) or long silences punctuated with guilt trips (Dad). This year's itinerary was Christmas Eve with my mom, Christmas Day with my dad, and home by noon on the 26th, not a moment too soon.

Rhi called me just after I finished unpacking. I was laying spread eagled on my bed, with the contents of my bag "organized" into various piles on the floor.

"Did you survive?" she asked, by way of greeting.

"Just barely," I groaned. "My dad guilt tripped me about not coming home enough roughly twenty times, and my mom got in about that many hostile comments."

"Oh, so they were both in good spirits then," Rhi said jokingly. She was one of the precious few who knew the deal with my parents. Before the age of Gavin, I'd spent all of my holidays 'off' with Rhi's family. And every time it was my turn to take the holiday bullet, Rhi called to check in and cheer me up as soon as she knew I was home.

"It was one of our best Christmases yet," I replied in the same vein. What can you do? Laugh or you'll cry, right?

"Well if you're not too bagged from all the holiday cheer, I was thinking we'd put on some thoroughly weather inappropriate outfits and go out tomorrow night."

"Dance our feet off and drink our faces off?" I suggested.

"Exaaaaactly."

"That sounds amazing," I said. "The usual plan?"

"Of course," Rhi said, in a mock serious tone. "After all, Christmas is a time for honouring traditions."

The usual plan involved leaving the boy (formerly boys) alone for the night, and getting ready together over wine at my place before walking down a few blocks to Third Base, a sports bar whose upper level became a dance floor after 10. They played a solid blend of top 40 along with 90's and early 00's hits. We hit it up a few times a year, and always once at the holidays. It was the perfect way to shed my holiday hangover and replace it with an actual one.

As we primped in front of my bedroom mirror, glasses of red wine on the dresser in front of us, Rhiannon mentioned in an overly-casual tone, "I called Rachel to invite her out tonight, but she said she's still busy with Derek's family stuff."

"Mm," I acknowledged her words before leaning in to apply a few more coats of mascara.

She heaved a sigh before continuing. "So I'm guessing you're not going to tell me what's going on between you two?"

I exhaled deeply and met her eyes in the mirror. "Honestly Rhi, it's pretty ugly and I don't want to drag you into it. Can we just leave it at that?"

She pulled a face. "I guess." She paused and then said tentatively, "I take it you're not coming to their place for New Year's Eve, then?"

"Nope," I said, trying to ignore the quick sting of hurt that I felt at her words. Rachel and Derek had started hosting New Year's parties a few years ago when they got their apartment. The timing coincided perfectly with all of us realizing what a ripoff it was to pay to get in anywhere. It had been a foregone conclusion that Gavin and I would attend every year, and it hadn't even occurred to me to make other plans. My mouth twisted wryly as I realized just how many more of these little unexpected stings I had left to face.

"Well, I'm not sure if I'm going to go either," Rhi said, her voice drifting off.

I turned to her, surprised. "Why not?"

Rhi looked down, and a faint blush appeared on her cheeks. "Well, because of the whole Eric thing."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up," I said, both of my hands up. "You're going to need to clarify that statement. Define 'the whole Eric thing'."

She leaned into the mirror, steadily avoiding my gaze. "Well, you know that he asked me out."

"Uh huh. And?" I prompted.

"Well I went... and we actually had a pretty good time."

"Okay... And?"

She blushed a little darker. "We've gone out a few times since then."

"What?!" I shoved her in the shoulder. "And you didn't tell me? How many times?"

She rolled her eyes. "I dunno, like four or five?"

My face scrunched up into a frown. "How come you never said anything?"

She shrugged sheepishly. "I was kind of embarrassed. I'd made such a big deal about how I wasn't into him and never would be, and I dunno... I guess I was worried about what you'd think."

I looked down, twirling the mascara wand in my hand. Rachel's angry face flashed before my eyes and her words echoed in my mind. Get off your high horse, Allie.

Was I really so judgmental that Rhi didn't feel like she could talk to me about Eric?

I schooled my face into a light-hearted expression. "Don't be silly, Rhi. Didn't I encourage you to give the poor bastard a shot in the first place?"

"Well yeah," she conceded. "But it was supposed to be like a test run for getting back into dating. It wasn't supposed to actually go anywhere."

"Says who?" I asked.

She shrugged one shoulder, but didn't say anything.

"If you're having a good time with him, why not pursue it?" I said. "If he makes you happy, that's awesome. If he fucks it up, I'll cut his balls off. It's as simple as that."

"Well, it's not like it's anything serious," she said dismissively.

"Oh, okay, so I shouldn't expect my wedding invite just yet?" I teased.

She rolled her eyes. "Like I said, it's just casual. That's why I'm thinking of bailing on the party. If we are both there together, it'll seem all... couple-y." She wrinkled her nose at that.

"God forbid," I said playfully.

"Okay, I'm more than ready to stop beating this dead horse," she said, shooting me an exasperated look. "Can we move on now?"

I laughed and we switched to lighter topics as we put the finishing touches on our looks.  An hour later, we were on our way, just buzzed enough to bear the freezing cold that penetrated our coats to the bare arms beneath.

We ditched our coats in a corner, grabbed drinks and scoped out the place. The dance floor was deserted, but it was still fairly early. Soon the place would fill up and more people would start to dance, or we'd drink enough not to care that we were the only ones out there.

The bar quickly began to fill up, and by the time we finished our second round, we were ready to dance. "Hey Ya" was playing, and I defy you to find a former 00's teen girl who can resist its siren call.

Right in the midst of shaking like a Polaroid picture, I felt a hand close around my waist. A familiar voice drawled in my ear, "Fancy meeting you here."

I spun and found myself looking into wicked blue eyes.

"Jay!" I cried excitedly, throwing my arms around his neck. He laughed and staggered back a step under my affectionate greeting.

"You are well on your way to becoming truly shitfaced, aren't you?" he commented with a grin.

"Just a healthy buzz," I replied, pulling back. I gestured to Rhiannon, who was observing our interaction with amusement. "We got a head start at my place."

Jay's eyes wandered over to Rhiannon and they lit up. "Who's your friend?" he asked.

"Her name is Rhiannon," I said.

"And is Rhiannon single, or is she 'very much unavailable' like you?"

I tilted my head to the side and pondered that question before answering, "Grey area."

He lifted an eyebrow and smirked. "I can work with that."

"Speaking of friends," I said, looking pointedly behind Jay. "Where are yours? Or are you here alone like a creepy predator?"

He pretended to punch me in the shoulder. "It's our buddy's birthday. We're all over at the bar."

His plural pronouns prompted me to follow his nod over my shoulder and my eyes locked with Reid's. He gave me a little wave and I had to fight the flutter in my stomach at the thought of what had happened the last time we'd seen each other. The memories of his heartfelt apology, his surprise at Rachel's reveal, and his sweet comfort hit me like a tidal wave. I felt an immediate impulse to run away and hide the vulnerability that I'd exposed. But Reid had found the balls to face up to me after an awkward situation, and I owed him the same. With a lightness that I didn't feel, I said, "We'll come have a drink with you guys."

I gestured to Rhiannon and the three of us headed over to where Reid was standing at the bar. He watched us approach, a small smile on his face. When I stepped up beside him, his smile grew and he simply said, "Hey."

*****

 Part 2 on Wednesday!

Reid: Aftershocks

Hey guys!

Sorry I've been so MIA. We have been on the Azores islands and I have been passed out with exhaustion by 10 PM almost every night!

This post was supposed to be up last Monday, but unfortunately it got abandoned on my desktop and had to be rewritten because we had a bit of a crazy start to our trip. We were supposed to have a connecting flight through Newark, but the storms there were so bad that we got a notification at around 10 AM that our flight was cancelled. We then had to call the airlines and reroute our flights around the storms which meant leaving 3 hours earlier than planned.

Anyway, I didn't exactly kill myself to get this post rewritten as soon as we landed, which I'm sure you can understand! The next three are already drafted in blogger, so I'm thinking Sunday, Wednesday, and Saturday for the posts. Then I'll be home for the following Saturday and will pick up then!

I'm going to go run around Lisbon now! See you Sunday!

*****

Sarah and I had originally planned on crashing at Ainsley's, but my head was spinning so hard from everything that had happened that I barely drank a thing. Foreseeing an increasingly drunk Sarah waking up the next morning with makeup gluing her eyes shut and a raging case of dry mouth, I pulled her aside at about 2 and suggested we leave.

Half an hour and many drunken strangle-hugs later, we said our final goodbyes and made our way to the car. We had a decent drive ahead of us, seeing as we lived just outside of the city.

Sarah settled into her seat and sighed sleepily. I looked over at her angelic face and felt a rush of tenderness. I reached over and rubbed her knee in soothing circles. She lazily rolled her head towards me and smiled, her eyes barely open.

"That was a fun night," she said as she burrowed into the seat.

"Yeah, it was a good time," I replied. Images of the night ran through my head and I willed myself not to focus in on any of them.

Sarah's eyes wandered out the window and she seemed to drift off into thought. I kept my eyes on the road, trying just to concentrate on driving.

Suddenly, Sarah pivoted towards me and said, "Oh my God,  I almost forgot about what Rachel said about Allie! Isn't that nuts?"

I shrugged, reeeeaaaally not wanting to get into a discussion about this. "I guess."

"Reid, come on! You're telling me you weren't shocked?"

I had an odd feeling, almost like I would be betraying Allie by gossiping about this after I'd promised not to say anything. "I mean, yeah, I was surprised, but I dunno, I guess it's not that weird."

Sarah laughed in disbelief. "Seriously? I think that's pretty crazy."

"Well, it's not like they actually did it." I tried to subtly shift the subject. "I was more shocked by the way Rachel completely threw Allie under the bus, to be honest."

Sarah cringed, likely remembering Allie's obviously humiliated face. "Yeah, that was pretty brutal. I'm surprised Rachel would do something like that. She really doesn't seem like the type."

I shrugged one shoulder and didn't say anything. Thinking of Allie's wretched embarrassment summoned other thoughts that I was desperately trying to shove down. Namely, Allie's face, soft and vulnerable, eyes glazed with tears that she fought so hard to hold back. The feel of her in my arms, the scent of her hair. And her sweet words.

"You are a good guy."

I looked over at Sarah, who was staring out the window again. Am I, though? It sure doesn't feel like it right now.

Sarah turned back to me, an impish look lighting up her face. "So..." she said mischievously, waggling her eyebrows, "Would you ever do it? Have a foursome?"

"Of course not," I said, scoffingly. A heated flush began to creep up my neck, and I tried to hide my discomfort. But Sarah knows me too well, can read me too easily.

"Oh my God, you totally would!" She laughed, poking me in the arm.

"I would not!" I denied emphatically, but the flush crept into my face and it only made her laugh harder.

"You little sexual deviant!" She crowed, fully enjoying my discomfort.

I rolled my eyes, and kept my gaze on the road. "It's hot in the way that nasty things you see in porn are hot. Like, the idea of it is a turn on, but in reality it would be super fucking weird. I'd never actually do it."

Sarah smirked, still visibly amused. "Uh huh. Whatever you say, Reid."

I shook my head in exasperated irritation. "Remember when we were driving in silence? That was nice."

Sarah reached over the console and rested her hand on my thigh. "Oh come on, I'm only teasing." She wiggled closer, her hand stroking up and down my thigh. She leaned in, her lips almost brushing my ear. "It's okay if you're turned on by it... I think it's kind of hot, too."

The combination of her hand on my thigh, her breath on my ear, her words and the events of the night had me hard even before her hand made it all the way up and began to stroke me gently through my pants.

Sarah ran her tongue up my neck and around the inside of my ear, forcing a low moan from my throat. She giggled, enjoying her power as I strained to keep my eyes open and focus on the road. When her exploring hand found my zipper, I placed my hand over hers. "I'm going to kill us both if you don't stop," I said, my voice low and gravelly.

She urged the zipper down and murmured in a mock-innocent voice, "You're a good driver. I trust you." Her hand closed around my shaft and I braced myself, letting out a shaky breath.

By the time I pulled into our garage, I was out of my mind and half ready to explode. We had barely gotten through the door before I was pushing Sarah up against the wall and throwing her coat to the ground. I pushed her skirt up and pulled her tights and panties down. I reached down and stroked her gently, my face buried in her hair. When her hips began to buck against me, I increased my pressure until she came, clamping her legs around my hand.

I gave her a second to recover and then spun her around to face the wall, running a hand down her spine before pushing into her. I rocked my hips gently against her, keeping a rigid lock on my control. I reached around and strummed her clit, sucking on the base of her neck. She stiffened and cried out, her nails clawing at the wall as she came hard. I felt her tighten around me and finally let go, driving into her hard and deep until I exploded inside of her.

I rested against her back for a moment, before pushing her hair to the side and pressing a soft kiss to the nape of her neck. I gently eased out of her and pulled her back against me. We made our way to bed, where Sarah immediately curled up contentedly against me, and fell asleep.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling. My thoughts kept pulling in the direction of the one thing I didn't want to think about. I looked down at Sarah, sleeping peacefully beside me, and a pang of guilt tore through my chest. I knew whose face had flashed through my mind right before I came, and it sure as hell wasn't my wife's.

Aftershocks

Wow! I was blown away by the responses on my last post! I love how invested you guys are becoming in the story. 

I've been working hard to finish the posts before I leave on Monday (eeeeeek!). There will be one more post before I go and then at least one a week while I'm away!

*****

After a moment of what felt like interminable silence, I managed to force a smile to my face and choke out a laugh. I looked around the circle without really looking at anyone and tried to approximate my usual joking tone. "Shots for 1€ will do that to you! Luckily we woke up and came to our senses before joining their harem."

My scarlet face belied my light-hearted words but luckily, everyone played along so we could get past the awkward moment. Soon we were caught up comparing stories of the craziest things we'd ever done while drunk, and when Josh chimed in and started detailing his exploits, I made a subtle exit.

I made a beeline straight for my purse and texted Gavin. 911! Please get here as fast as humanly possible! 

I heard someone behind me and threw a fake smile on my face, which immediately died when I turned to face Rachel.

She looked incredibly uncomfortable, like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. A brief pang of sympathy rose inside of me, but I crushed it. Why should I care about her feelings when she'd just firebombed mine?

We stood in a silent standoff, with me staring coldly as Rachel looked at the floor. There was no way that I was going to be the one to speak first.

She finally looked up at me, her mouth opening and closing, with no words coming out. She shook her head, swallowed hard and finally managed to whisper, "I'm so sorry."

I laughed, a short, harsh laugh that made Rachel flinch. "Oh you're sorry. Well that fixes everything, then!" I spat sarcastically.

"Allie, I feel so terrible. I never meant to say that. It just came out, and I -"

I cut off Rachel's tremulous words, hissing through my teeth, "Are you fucking kidding me right now? It didn't just "come out," Rachel. You deliberately said it to humiliate me."

Rachel shook her head fervently. "It wasn't like that! I was just so annoyed and -"

"You were annoyed," I parroted back in a biting voice. "So that justifies exposing something that I told you in confidence to half of our team."

Her eyes dropped, shining with tears.

"Can you even imagine how I felt just now?" I asked, my voice cracking. I was near to tears but there was no way I was going to give in to them in front of Rachel. I cleared my throat and continued in a cold, bitter voice. "Well, I hope it was worth it."

She looked up at me, tears streaming freely now. Rachel hated confrontations, avoided them at all costs. She'd always had such a hard time defending herself when we were younger. Rhi and I had always felt protective of her because of it. She would shrink like a defenceless little mouse whenever anyone came at her. As she cowered in front of me, I felt that usual protective instinct rise, but I pushed it aside as I moved to walk past her and out of the room.

She held out a hand to stop me and cried out, "Allie, wait! Please just talk to me!"

Her voice broke over her words and I felt something crack inside of me. But anger rose too, anger that Rachel was once again playing the little innocent victim even though she was the one who hurt me. I'm sick of being the bad guy, I thought to myself as I whirled around.


"You want to know why you're on the outside, Rachel? Why Rhi and I are so close and you're the one left out? Well, you just answered your own question. A real friend doesn't throw her friends under the bus, no matter how pissed off she is. Rhiannon would never have done what you just did, not in a million years. And I would never have done it to her. Or to you."

Rachel let out a miserable sob, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as her tears took over. She looked so pathetic and part of me, a big part, wanted to just let it go, hug her, and make her feel better. But my pride wouldn't allow it. I hardened my heart, turned away, and stalked out of the room.

At that exact moment, my phone buzzed in my hand. Gavin had responded, I'll be there in ten minutes. 

Ten minutes was a long time to wait outside in December, but there was no way I was letting Gavin walk in here when details of his sex life had just been laid bare. Who knows how far that story had spread by now? Tears of anger and humiliation threatened behind my eyes, and I strode purposefully to the door to grab my coat. Freezing cold was preferable to burning humiliation.

I was just slipping my arms into my coat when a voice from behind me asked, "You taking off?"

I looked over my shoulder at Reid. "Yeah," I smiled tightly at him. "It's been a long night."

He grimaced. "That was pretty rough just now. Are you okay?"

My face flamed all over again at the all too recent memory. "Just extremely embarrassed, that's all." I shrugged. "I might come off as a spotlight hugger like Josh, but I like to keep my private life private, you know?"

He nodded, his face sympathetic. "Well just so you know, Sarah and I won't say anything to anyone. I can't speak for Ainsley, but I don't think she would, either."

I raised one side of my mouth in a half-hearted smile. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

"No worries. How are you getting home?"

"Oh, Gavin's picking me up," I tried to recapture my breezy tone. "He'll be here any minute now." I put my hand on the door handle to head outside.

"Allie, it's freezing outside and you're wearing like half a dress under that coat. You're not waiting outside."

I dropped my head. "Honestly Reid, I just really need to not be here right now."

"It's really not as bad as you think," he said earnestly, stepping between me and the door. "None of us think any less of you. Stop agonizing over it."

I lifted a shoulder to acknowledge his words. The embarrassment stung, but the blowout with Rachel was what had really shattered me. It wasn't something that I could just shake off.

The image of Rachel's pleading face popped into my mind, and once again, tears sprung to my eyes. I turned away and cleared my throat, blinking furiously to try and ward them off.

"Allie," Reid said, his voice low and gravelly with concern.

His sweet sympathy made it even harder to hold the tears back. I swiped at my cheeks as they began to fall and smiled weakly up at him. "I'm sorry," I said. "I really hate crying in front of people."

In response, he slung an arm around me and gently pulled me to his side. He stroked my hair soothingly as I gave into my tears. "It's okay," he murmured softly.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before I finally sniffled back the last of my tears and drew away. I looked up at him, worn out from the rollercoaster emotions of the evening and beginning to feel self-conscious about crying in front of him. "Sorry about that. You make for a good shoulder to cry on," I said.

"I've got a little sister," he said, shrugging.
"Letting her cry on my shoulder comes with the big brother territory."

"Well she's lucky to have you," I said, sincerely. "You're a really good guy."

He blushed and smiled at me. "I try."

His face was illuminated by headlights as a car swung into the driveway. I peeked through the window and recognized Gavin's car. "That's Gav," I said. I turned towards the door, before changing my mind and turning back to Reid. I stepped closer to him and gave him a quick, hard hug before pulling back once more. I looked right in his eyes and said, "Thank you. For everything you did tonight. It means a lot."

He looked down at me with such a sweet, gentle smile that I couldn't believe I'd walked in this very door fuming at him. "Anytime," he said, and the warmth in his voice brought an answering smile to my face.

"Have a good night," I said softly. "And Merry Christmas."

"You too," he replied.

I shot him one last smile before slipping out the door. I scurried quickly to Gavin's car, eager to put this night behind me.

... Part-AY!

I tried something a little different with this post. It's a split perspective between Reid and Allie. It was coming off a little funny in past tense, so I ended up writing it in present tense. I hope that doesn't throw you guys off! 

Let me know what you think in the comments!


**Reid**

I am tense.

I am at Ainsley's holiday party, surrounded by my teammates who are well on their way to getting sloppy drunk. Will and I are losing spectacularly at beer pong to Sarah and Rachel, while Josh and Ainsley heckle us and use any excuse to flirt with each other. Everyone is having a good time, laughing and drinking, but I can't relax because I go rigid with tension every time the front door opens.

I want to drink to loosen up, but I'm worried about getting too loose and opening my stupid fucking mouth and letting out any more of the idiotic thoughts that need to stay crammed down in the deepest, darkest recesses of my brain. Saying those things, those stupid, horrible things, is what got me here in the first place.

Why the hell did I say it?

I've asked myself that a million times since that night at The Foxhole.

I asked myself that when Allie no-showed at the next game, after not missing a single game for months. I asked myself that when she did show up and looked so fucking uncomfortable that it was almost physically painful to be around her. I asked myself that when she deliberately snubbed me to cozy up to Jay, and again when she sauntered out without saying so much as a goddamn word to me.

And I'm asking myself that again tonight, every single time the door opens and my entire body winds tight at the thought of facing her again.

Why the hell did I say it?

I am a faithful guy, loyal as a dog and proud of it. I'm married to a woman who is beautiful inside and out. A woman who helped pull me out of the wreckage that was the first eighteen years of my life, and to whom I owe all of my happiness. In the ten years that Sarah and I have been together, I've never so much as toed the line of infidelity. I've stayed so far from that fucking line that I couldn't even see it.

And now, somehow, I'm at the edge of that line and it's staring me right in the face. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Okay, so Allie is gorgeous. It's not like I've never seen a hot girl before. Even one who sets my skin buzzing and my heart racing any time she accidentally brushes against me. Who wouldn't be attracted to her? It's not like it means anything.

Sure, she is cool, and smart, and hilarious. She makes me laugh my ass off and I can't believe some of the funny, sarcastic shit that comes out of her mouth. But that's a quality that I like in a lot of people, namely my stupid best friend whose cocky face I feel like punching in half of the time these days.

And yes, she has a shockingly soft side to her that she very rarely shows and which shot straight through me like a bullet when I caught a glimpse of it. Yes, I was honoured that she let me past her barriers. Just like I'd feel honoured to earn the trust of any friend.

Because that's what we are. Friends. I know that. I've been telling myself that over and over.

That's why I feel protective towards her. Like when that goon took a run at her. Or when my fucking player of a best friend wouldn't stop smiling at her, and looking at her in that you-know-you-want-me way, and making her laugh at his stupid jokes. I'm a protective guy, and I am protective towards Allie because we're friends. That's what I keep telling myself.

So, why the hell did I say it?

Maybe it's because a girl like Allie is so far out of my league that I would never even consider the possibility that she'd look at me twice. That's what made it so easy to be friends with her. I knew she had a boyfriend, probably a freaking heart surgeon that looks like Ryan Gosling's long lost twin brother and spends his free time doing triathlons and saving puppies. That's what I told myself.

I've been telling myself a lot of things.

And every single one of those things that I've been telling myself were shot straight to hell when Gavin walked into that bar. A nice, ordinary guy. The kind of guy you walk past ten times a day. Good-looking, but not remarkably so. Funny, but in a quiet way that doesn't command a lot of attention. Just a normal guy.

That guy could be anyone.

That guy could be me.

There it is. The insane, jealous thought that caused me to open my stupid mouth and ruin my friendship with Allie. The crazy, ridiculous thought that I have tried to beat out of my brain and which refuses to die. The torturous thought that has my mind constantly spinning on a hamster wheel. The sickening thought that has me tensing every time the door opens.

And then it opens and my heart pounds and I want to throw up because she's here.

**Allie**

Of course, the first people I lay eyes on are the very last people I want to see. I tear my eyes away from Reid and Rachel and roll my shoulders back, forcing a smile to my face as Ainsley and Josh bound over to me, practically tackling me with drunken hugs.

Luckily, Ainsley drags me to the kitchen right away so that I can mix myself a drink. God knows I'm going to need one. I pour healthy splash of vodka into a Solo cup, and after only a brief hesitation, add another splash. I fill the cup with Sprite and make mindless small talk with Ainsley in the kitchen, knowing that every minute is bringing me closer to the hour mark when I can make my excuses and get the hell out of here.

I avoid it for as long as I can, but eventually I'm dragged back into the living room where most of the team is clustered. I plop down on the couch and chat with Jen, barely taking in a word of what she's saying because I am concentrating so hard on pretending to have fun. My face hurts from fake smiling.

The beer pong game ends and I down the rest of my drink so I have an excuse to leave the room. Instead of heading to the kitchen, I veer off down the hallway to the bathroom, which luckily hasn't been barfed in yet. I sit down on the toilet and drop my head in my hands, taking deep breaths to try and release the tension that's tying my stomach up in knots. Fighting the urge to cry, I stand up and splash cold water from the sink on the back of my neck.

When I look in the mirror, I appear calm and relaxed. There are only a few tiny hints that give me away, but they'd only be noticeable to someone who really knows me. Nothing that my teammates, most of whom are half in the bag already, will pick up on. I take a few more deep breaths to prepare myself, summoning my composure.

I have to fight hard for that composure when I open the door and find myself face-to-face with Reid.

**Reid**

A flicker of emotion - Anger? Hurt? - plays across Allie's face before she can control it into the mask she's been wearing since she got here. She might appear happy, but it's not genuine; there's a tightness to her smile and a flatness in her eyes that give her away.

I instinctively take a step backwards and she moves past me wordlessly. I know that this is a chance, maybe my only chance, to make things right and panic grips me as she starts to walk away. Without really knowing what I'm doing, I blurt, "Allie, wait."

She stops and turns, looking at me warily, one brow raised. She doesn't say anything, just stares me down as I clear my throat and struggle to get words out. I'm sweating and my tongue feels like an ineffectual block of cement in my mouth. She's not going to make it easy on me.

Finally I manage to sputter out, "I know you're pissed at me."

She raises both eyebrows now. "I'm not sure  pissed is the right word."

I drop my eyes and stare at the carpet for a second. I force myself to look back at her and say, "I'm sorry. For what I said at The Foxhole. I know I was out of line."

She lets out a little huff of air. "Seriously? That's what you think I'm upset about?"

I'm truly confused now. "What do you mean?"

"Reid, come on," she says, shaking her head at me like I'm an idiot. "Yeah, I felt weird about what you said, but I wasn't mad about it."

"You weren't?" I say, surprised.

"No. I mean, sure, I felt kind of awkward, but I only got angry when you started completely ignoring me. You've been acting like I don't exist! That's why I'm pissed at you!"

Her voice shakes on her last few words and I drop my head again, swallowing hard. I know that what she's saying is true and I hate seeing the hurt flashing in her eyes, barely masked by her anger.

"I'm sorry," I say again. "I just felt like such an idiot for saying what I said, and I didn't know how to fix it, so I just..." My voice trails off and I shrug.

"So you just avoided me," she finishes for me, her voice wavering with anger. "Well, that's shitty and I don't deserve it."

"I know you don't," I say grimly. "I handled it really badly. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry."

For a moment we just stand there, neither of us looking at each other. Finally, I manage to gather enough courage to break the silence. "I know I've been a complete idiot, but is there any way that we can forget all of this happened and go back to being friends? I hate how things are right now."

She raises half her mouth in a smile and nods. "Yeah, I do too."

That small, barely anything smile is what finally allows me to release the tight tension in my chest. "I've really missed being friends with you," I say, looking straight into her eyes almost pleadingly. "I don't want to lose that."

Her smile is almost a real one now, and she looks up at me with such soft vulnerability that I hate myself even more for having hurt her. "I don't either."

"Okay then," I say, exhaling deeply. "So we're cool?"

She nods happily. "We're cool."

"Alright," I say, smiling tentatively back at her.

"Okay, well I'm going to head back," she says slightly awkwardly, turning to go.

I stop her with a hand on her shoulder. "I really am sorry," I say one last time, needing her to know I that I mean it. Needing that awkwardness to disappear once and for all.

Her smile is bright now and she raises an eyebrow at me. "You know, I think you might have mentioned that," she says teasingly. That little bit of laughter in her voice is what finally tells me that we are back to normal.

I laugh and let her go. I have no idea how I managed to fix this, but it's fixed and that's all that matters. I walk into the bathroom feeling a hundred pounds lighter.

**Allie**

The smile stays on my face as I rejoin the group. Reid's apology takes a weight off of my shoulders, and I actually start to enjoy the party. When he comes into the room and immediately joins in with the conversation that I'm having, I feel a warm rush of joy. I hold on to that feeling, letting it insulate me from Rachel's ongoing icy silence.

It's a lot easier to avoid one person than two, and I stop watching the clock for the moment that I can make my exit. I manage to have a good time while keeping a healthy distance from Rachel.

I have to fight to keep the surprise from my face when she makes her way over to where I'm chatting with Ainsley, Sarah, and Reid. Ainsley and I are rejoicing the end of exams and Sarah asks, "Do either of you have any big plans for the holiday break?"

Ainsley shakes her head and I answer, "No, just the typical family stuff."

"Really? I would've thought that you and Gavin would have all sorts of things planned!" Sarah says, almost sounding disappointed. "You two are so adventurous!"

Rachel rolls her eyes and says under her breath, "You have no idea."

I go rigid, heat rising in my cheeks. Of course, I know exactly what she's referring to. I'm hoping against hope that her cryptic remark will pass without comment when Ainsley asks, "What do you mean?"

"Oh nothing," Rachel says, her voice spiteful, "Just the fact that another couple asked Allie and Gavin to have a foursome with them when they were in Greece... and they almost did it."

My insides freeze. I see the shock ripple across the others' faces and I know my own is burning red with humiliation. Rachel looks shocked too, like she can't believe that she actually said it.

I can't believe it either. Can't believe that she'd reveal something so personal, something told in confidence, just because we are in a stupid fight. I look right into her eyes and let her feel the weight of her words, watching her face flush pink with shame. Her mouth opens as if to say something, but no words come out.

I look away from her and my eyes catch Reid's. His face is frozen in an expression of almost comical surprise. I can't imagine what he must be thinking right now. I cringe and flush even deeper.

I'm going to kill Rachel.

**Reid**

Images flash through my head and I'm powerless to stop them. Allie and Gavin. Allie with another girl. Allie and Gavin with another couple.

Allie with me.

I think my head is going to explode.

What Comes Before Part B?

I turned my back to Gavin, his fingers brushing my hair to the side so he could fasten the clasp at my neck. His hands played across my mostly bare back before settling lightly on my shoulders as I studied my reflection in the mirror, adjusting a few curls. "You look gorgeous," he said, bending to kiss my neck. "I almost don't want to let you go alone."

"You know that about five minutes of shmoozing would kill that instinct," I said playfully. Exams were over and it was the annual holiday charity ball held by the law society. Because after busting your ass all semester, who wouldn't want to get all dressed up and spend a night networking? Unfortunately, it was a necessary evil, especially with interviews looming. I had to go and try and make an impression with the firms so I could improve my chances of landing a spot at one of my top choices. Still, I wasn't looking forward to spending an evening getting my fake laugh up for middle aged men making crappy jokes.

Gavin laughed in agreement, rubbing my shoulders gently before dropping his hands. "And you're sure you don't want me to pick you up and drive you to Ainsley's later?" he asked.

I shook my head. "It's going to be a long evening, and I'm just going to make an appearance at Ainsley's. There's no point in you even coming. I'll cab back to your place later, okay?"

"No, no," Gavin said. "I'll come pick you up from there at least. Just text me when you want me to come get you."

"Thanks." I smiled warmly at him over my shoulder. Ainsley's parents were snowbirds who took off to Pheonix for a few months each winter. Left alone in their big beautiful house, she always threw a holiday party before she headed south to join them for Christmas. Usually I looked forward to it, and Gavin and I often shut down the party and crashed at her place. But not this year. Frankly, I was dreading it, and planned on making only a cursory appearance before pleading exhaustion and heading home.

Gavin began to run his hands up and down my bare arms, and I relaxed back into him and sighed, closing my eyes. "I cannot wait to peel you out of this later," he murmured against my hair. Gavin had a weakness for my bare back, and I knew this dress would be a hit with him. From the front, it was fairly demure, black with a high neckline and a skirt that came down almost to knee length. However, the fabric clung to every curve of my body, and the deep diamond- shaped cutout at the back added just enough sexiness to be appropriate for a professional event.

After a few minutes, I pulled away and turned to face him. "We'd better leave now, or I won't go at all!"

Gavin dropped me off at one of the older established hotels in town. The event was taking place in the ballroom, which was a huge, elegant room with high vaulted ceilings hung with massive crystal chandeliers. I grabbed a flute of champagne from a circulating waiter and scanned the crowd for a familiar face.

I spotted Bridget and Lianne across the room, and quickly made my way over. It was still early in the evening, so you could easily pick out the law students in the crowd, hanging out together in little clumps. We would all begin to mingle once the partners had a chance to take advantage of the open bar and become a bit more approachable. For now, the clear divide created a slightly awkward atmosphere that reminded me of boys and girls at opposite sides of a middle school dance.

I chatted with Bridget and Lianne for a while, careful to only take small sips of my champagne. It was good to have a drink in your hand at these things, but you definitely didn't want to get drunk. The partners were the ones here to have fun; we were here to try to make some kind of lasting impression.

After about an hour, the three of us drifted apart and I made my way to the bar for another drink. I was just turning back towards the crowd when I felt a hand settle lightly on my bare lower back. I stiffened and pulled away to face Julian, who was wearing a tailored black suit that probably cost more than six months rent.

He grinned at me. "Nice dress."

"Thank you," I said coolly, looking past him into the crowd, hoping to find a familiar face, or at least someone on their own who I could approach more easily.

"No boyfriend tonight?" Julian asked.

I snorted. "Like I would subject him to this massive display of ass-kissing."

He grinned. "You have such a way with words. Still though," he continued, his voice smooth as his eyes roamed appreciatively over my body. "That is a dangerous dress to be wearing without an escort. I'd better stay close and help you fend off any old guys who try to get handsy."

I laughed in his face. "You must be mistaking me for a gullible first year, if you think I'm falling for that line. I'll take my chances with the old guys," I said drily.

There was a chuckle from behind us and a deep voice said, "Looks like she's got your number, Pierce!"

I spun to face a guy in his late thirties, with dark hair threaded with silver. He clapped Julian on the shoulder, before smiling warmly and sticking his hand out to me. "David Wilton, Chapman Meyers King."

I felt my stomach flutter with nerves. CMK was the one of the biggest firms in the city, and the holy grail as far as most of us were concerned. I willed myself to be cool and professional, and placed my hand in his and shook it firmly. "Alexandra Matheson."

"Well Alexandra, any girl who's smart enough to see through this guy's bullshit is worth knowing," he said, smirking and nodding his head towards Julian.

Julian laughed, not in the least insulted. "Dave is good friends with my older brother," he explained to me. I smiled, and tried to contain my eye roll. Of fucking course. The rest of us would spend all night  ass-kissing in the hope that even one partner would remember our faces, meanwhile Julian was already on a first name basis with guys from CMK. Classic. They probably had an office with his name on the door already.

David leaned in and said in a conspiratorial tone, "I've known Julian since he was about five, and I've got tons of embarrassing stories to share."

I laughed. It was a refreshing change to have an actual human conversation with someone at one of these things. "I'm not sure any story is embarrassing enough to deflate his ego! Trust me, I've tried. It's invulnerable."

Julian grinned. "Yet you continue to make a strong effort. What a work ethic you have!" I almost spat out my drink when he turned to David and said, "Seriously though Dave, Allie is one of the best in our class. CMK would be lucky to have her."

David raised his brows. "High praise." He reached into his pocket and gave me his card. "Give me a call before interview week. You can come in and I'll show you around, get your face in the right people's heads."

I took it and smiled, "Thank you."

David threw his drink back and placed the empty glass on the bar. "I'd better make my rounds," he said. "It was a pleasure to meet you," he said to me, before slapping Julian on the back.

"You too." I couldn't believe my luck! Getting face time at CMK before interviews would be a huge advantage. Anyone would kill for this opportunity. And I owed it to Julian, of all people.

I smiled at him. "Thank you," I said sincerely.

He shrugged. "It was no big deal. I didn't say anything that wasn't true."

My smile turned shy and I felt a blush staining my cheeks. "Well, I really appreciate it."

He looked down at me. "I think this is the first time you've ever really smiled at me." There was a moment where we just stood there, looking at each other. His face was enigmatic without his trademark cocky grin.

I broke the silence and said teasingly, "It's the first time you've ever done anything to merit it!"

I felt the mood lighten as he chuckled. "If only I'd known the trick to melting the ice before now! Some girls like compliments, some girls like jewellery, but no, not you.  The only way to your heart is by networking!"

I rolled my eyes and laughed, drifting off to mingle. I saw a partner that I'd worked under during my summer internship, and she introduced me to a few others in her group. The conversation was surprisingly interesting. I usually felt like such a poser at these events and ended up awkwardly standing off to the side of a group or forcing myself to make small talk, but the encounter with David had leant me confidence and I actually found myself joining in naturally. When I finally made my way to coat check around eleven thirty, it was with a satisfied feeling of knowing I'd made a strong impression.

On my way out, I passed Lianne, who was deep in conversation with several older men. I could tell by the forced smile on her face that she was dying of boredom. I gave her a wave and headed out the ballroom doors to the front of the hotel and pulled out my cell to call a cab.

I was waiting at the doors when a high-pitched giggle caught my attention. I looked behind me and rolled my eyes as I saw Julian coming towards the doors, his hands in the coat of a first year student I recognized vaguely. By the look of her hanging all over him and the constant giggling, she'd definitely been enjoying the open bar. Our eyes met over her head and I raised my eyebrows . "Have a good night," I said, a cynical note in my voice.

"Oh I will," he said, winking at me as he ushered her out the door.

I shook my head at him. Before long, my cab pulled up and I was giving him Ainsley's address. I leaned my head back against the seat, and heaved a deep sigh, fighting the sinking sensation in my stomach that the hard part of the night was just beginning.

*****

Come back tomorrow for Part 2!

Update

The next post is a two parter - one part will be up tonight or tomorrow morning, the next part will be up on Saturday.

Last weekend was my anniversary and my guy surprised me with a trip for our holidays... To PORTUGAL! (I'm spoiled, I know!) We are heading out for three weeks on July 25. I should have access to Wi-Fi, and I'm planning on pre-writing at least one post per week for those weeks. In the past, scheduling the posts hasn't always worked but I will do my best while I'm away to check and make sure the posts go up. If possible, I'll do more than one post per week, it'll just depend on how much I get done before I leave!

Anyways, back to writing! See you soon!

All Kinds of Awkward

Happy Friday everyone! Enjoy your weekend!

*****

Despite my doomsday levels of pessimism, my Tax final didn't go as badly as expected, and I was more than ready to let loose for the weekend. I had one more final on Monday, and it was a pretty easy one, so I gave myself permission to take Friday and Saturday off from studying. 

Gavin and I had made plans to go to a new sushi place for dinner, and I was looking forward to wearing something other than yoga pants and hoodies. I spoiled myself with a much-needed brow and Brazilian wax, and splurged on a sheer, silky camisole that I didn't need, before heading home.

I took a long, luxurious shower, and emerged feeling more energized than I had in weeks. I took my time curling my hair, pinning half of it up, and letting the rest hang down my back, with a few tendrils framing my face. I put on a bit more makeup than usual, accentuating my eyes with a dramatic liner and a few extra coats of mascara. I slipped on my new camisole, my favorite pair of dark jeans, and some classic black heels. I poured myself a glass of wine and fired up Clueless on Netflix  while I waited for Gavin. 

Fifteen minutes later, I buzzed Gavin up. When he knocked, I opened the door and immediately pulled him in for a kiss. I took him by surprise, but after a second, he moaned into my mouth, deepening the kiss and pushing me back against the door. I slipped my hands into his coat and around his waist, running my fingers up his back and down under his waistband. He pulled me into him, and I felt him, already hard. 

He pulled back slightly and smiled down at me. "Well, hi," he said, huskily.

"Hi," I said back sweetly, looking up at him through my lashes.

"Not that I'm complaining, but to what do I owe that greeting?" he said.

"I'm just really happy to see you," I said, rolling my hips up against him. He closed his eyes briefly and dropped his head down to nuzzle my neck. He ran his hands up my back and down over my breasts, cupping them through the thin silk.

"You look fucking incredible," he said, rocking into me. He trailed his tongue up my neck, before covering my mouth with his. 

We made out languidly against the door for a few more minutes, before Gavin pulled back and groaned. "I am more than happy to stay here, devour you, and order a pizza, but if you want to make our reservation, we  better go."

I ran a hand down his chest, before reaching down and playfully grabbing his crotch. "I'll get my coat," I said, sliding out of his grasp.

He laughed, reaching down to adjust his pants. "Oh, you'll pay for that later," he said, in a mock-threatening voice.

The restaurant was very intimate, with low lighting and Japanese screens between the tables. The food was delicious, and Gavin and I destroyed two appetizers and four rolls between us. We were pecking at the last few pieces when Gavin asked, "So what are you up to tomorrow?"

I shrugged. "No plans. What do you feel like doing?"

He cocked his head to the side. "Don't you have a game tomorrow?"

I hesitated, taking a sip of my wine. Ainsley had texted me on Tuesday to ask whether or not I was coming, but I hadn't committed, telling her I was still busy studying. If I had felt less than eager to deal with Reid after our awkward run-in, I was even more reluctant to show up in the face of everything that had gone down with Rachel. I hadn't heard from her all week. I had opened up a message to send to her several times, but I always ended up just staring at the blinking cursor before giving up. If I couldn't even figure out what to say over text, how could I talk to her face to face?

I lifted one shoulder, and simply said, "There's a game, but I don't think I'm going to go."

Gavin frowned. "You missed last week's game too. This isn't like you." He reached over and covered the hand that was fidgeting with my chopsticks. "Is something going on?"

I heaved a deep sigh, before launching into the whole story of what had happened at Derek's birthday. Gavin grimaced when I got to the part about Teo's girlfriend. I glossed over Teo's justification of the breakup, not wanting Gavin to hear the echo of his own words in Teo's. When I reached the end, recounting Rachel's accusations, I was fighting back tears and Gavin was frowning sympathetically. 

"That's terrible, babe," he said, squeezing my hand. "I don't blame you for not wanting to see her."

I nodded, swallowing hard and trying to keep my tears in check. 

"I don't really know what to say. This kind of thing doesn't really happen between guys. But..." he trailed off, like he wasn't sure how I was going to take what he had to say. He took a deep breath and continued, "I don't think that you should let Rachel keep you from doing something that you love. You've had a stressful week, and you could probably use the physical outlet. Don't let her insecure bullshit get in the way of that."

I considered his words. "I know you're right, I just don't even want to deal with it."

 "The longer you leave it, the worse it's gonna get," he said gently, squeezing my hand again. Sensing that my tears were about to fall, he half-smiled and added teasingly, "And besides, when was the last time you backed down from a fight?"

I had to laugh at that, and smiling back at him, I replied, "Pretty much never."

Somehow, Gavin successfully recaptured our playful mood, and it wasn't long before I was running my foot up and down his leg under the table. He caught my foot in his hand and traced slow circles 

around my ankle, teasing me right back. 

"What do you say we get outta here and finish what we started at your place?" he murmured. 

"Mmhmmm," I nodded eagerly at him. 

The next morning, I woke up feeling more like myself. Gavin was right, since when did I cower from a confrontation? My pride and anger fuelled me through the whole morning, and I texted Ainsley to let her know that I'd be there.

I left early, wanting the advantage of arriving first. As I approached the complex, my bravado began to give way to butterflies. I was almost vibrating with nervousness by the time I reached the change room doors. Well, there's no point in turning back now, I thought grimly, and rolling my shoulders back, I pushed the door open.

Luckily, the only ones inside were Josh and Will, both of whom greeted me with warm enthusiasm. I plopped my stuff down and got changed quickly, chatting easily with the two guys. Ainsley, Jen, and several of the others soon arrived, and I began to relax as we all goofed around together. 

I was just tying up my cleats when Sarah pushed the door open. "Hey Allie!" she called out. "We missed you last week!" 

I smiled warmly at her, and braced myself before I looked behind her to Reid. He met my eyes briefly and nodded hello, before dropping his stuff across the change room.

My smile froze and indignation flared inside me. That's it? Are you fucking kidding me? 

I tried to join back into the conversation with Josh and Will, but the congenial mood had been shattered and my smile was brittle, my laugh hollow. I tensed further when Rachel entered the room, and after shooting me a cursory glance, went and sat down next to Reid and Sarah without so much as a hello.

My spine was rigid with anger and I had to force myself to unclench my fists. Luckily, the next person who waltzed in the door provided a welcome distraction. Jay strolled in, and upon seeing me, strolled over and plopped down right beside me. "Well hey, stranger," he said with that cocky half-

grin he wore so well.

"Hey yourself," I replied. And if I noticed Reid's frown or Rachel's icy look from across the room, I didn't let it show. "Long time no see."

"No kidding, Bailosaurus Rex," he said, nudging me with his elbow before casually stripping off his shirt. "I was here last week. Where were you?"

"Studying, unfortunately." I shot him a smile before leaning down to pack up my bag and zip it up. I stood, hanging my bag on the hook and said, "See you out there."

"You know it." He waggled his eyebrows and I giggled as I left the room. 

As we warmed up, Reid and Rachel both gave me a wide berth. It was almost impressive how they both managed to keep themselves as far from me as possible. I wondered how they were going to maintain the silent treatment once we were crammed side by side into the tiny bench. I sure as hell had no plans to hide myself in a corner. 

Jay strolled out casually just as Ainsley called us in for the lineup. I saw Reid shoot him a dirty look as he sidled up to me, but if Jay saw it, he didn't let on. Ainsley called out the forward lines before turning to us and saying, "So Reid and Allie, you guys will start and Rach and Jay will be second out."

Reid nodded in silent acknowledgement of her words, and suddenly I was so damn sick of the charade. "Actually," I interrupted Ainsley. "I have to pee. Why don't Rachel and Reid start, and I'll play on the second line with Jay?"

 I looked up and caught Reid's perplexed frown. I squared my shoulders and stared back calmly, my face impassive before turning to Rachel.

"You don't mind, do you, Rach?" I asked innocently.

She couldn't very well ignore a direct question and she stammered awkwardly, "Yeah, that's fine."

"Hell yeah! All the ladies want a piece," Jay joked. I smiled broadly back at him and headed back towards the change room, breezing right past Rachel and Reid without another word. Screw both of you, I thought bitterly.

I deliberately waited until I heard the whistle for the beginning of the game before returning to the bench. The half passed without incident. Jay and I played well together, if not as seamlessly as Reid and I usually did. On the bench, I joked around with everyone but Rachel and Reid, and both Josh and Jay provided more than enough distraction. After a while, I almost forgot the tension and enjoyed myself. Almost.

At half, Ainsley turned to our end of the bench and asked, "Do you guys want to mix up the lines or keep them the same?"

I answered before anyone else could. "Keep them the same, I think," I said. "Good chemistry out there right now."

"Absolutely," Jay agreed, holding his hand up for a high five. "Dream team!"

I saw a flicker of hurt play across Reid's face, and it gave me a small measure of grim satisfaction. His behaviour was pissing me off even more than Rachel's. Maybe it was because I felt like she was at least partly justified in her anger. There was a grain of truth in her accusations, and that was hard to swallow, but even if I thought she was being a far bigger bitch than necessary, at least I understood why. Reid, on the other hand, was the one who had stepped out of line at The Foxhole. What the hell did he have to be mad about?

My righteous anger carried me through to the end of the game, but I was more than ready to mic drop by the final whistle. After the handshake, I made a beeline for the dressing room. I finished changing while half of the team was still taking off their cleats. I grabbed my bag and stood up to go.

"Drinks upstairs?" Ainsley called out.

Everyone nodded in agreement, but I flashed her an apologetic smile and said, "Sorry! I've got plans with Gavin!" 

I strolled towards the door. As I opened it, I couldn't help myself; I glanced over my shoulder at the corner where Reid and Rachel were sitting. Rachel opened her mouth as if to say something, then flushed and dropped her gaze. But Reid's eyes met mine and held. His jaw was set and he looked at me almost defiantly, before finally turning away. 

I stalked out the door and to my car. My hands were shaking as I slid behind the wheel and I fumbled with my keys. 

I wasn't one to back down from a fight, and I sure as hell wasn't one to let someone see how bad they had hurt me. But I was hurt. And as I pulled out of the lot and drove home, I stopped fighting it. When there was no one left to see it, I finally gave in and let the tears roll down my face.  

Pleasantly Surprised

I hope you all had an amazing Fourth! I took a few extra days off and am feeling nice and refreshed for my two-day work week. This post is a return to Allie's storyline, and the next one will be up sometime between tomorrow and Saturday night!

*****

I awoke the next morning to my phone buzzing loudly somewhere in the general vicinity of my left ear. I groaned and turned over, clawing around in my bedding to try and put both me and the phone out of our misery. My hand finally fell on it, and I swiped the screen without even looking, closing my eyes and falling back against the pillows. "Hello?" I rasped.

"Kill me," Rhiannon's voice groaned into my ear. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Before you say anything, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I did try to get you to leave with me," I said.

"Shut up and kill me," she whined again.

I sighed. "What happened?"

"I fucking slept with Eric is what happened. With ERIC," she repeated, for emphasis.

I laughed again, then felt a pang of guilt as I remembered the look on Rachel's face the night before. I tried to be charitable. "He's not so bad. You could've done much worse."

Rhiannon snorted. "You hate him. You have called him the OG douchebag. Repeatedly."

 "I don't hate him," I said half-heartedly. I sighed deeply, rubbing a hand over my face. It was too early for this. "We only ever see him in a group, and I'm sure he's way different one on one. I mean, if you like him..."

Her incredulous laugh cut me off. "Like him?! What are you talking about? Do I have the wrong number? Who is this?"

"You're hilarious," I said dryly. So much for that. Guess nice just isn't my colour. "I take it that it wasn't a love connection then?"

"Definitely not," she said with disdain. "I was reeling over the whole Teo thing, and I just needed a distraction. Total rebound."

"Makes sense." I paused before venturing, "Speaking of Teo -"

Rhi cut me off sharply. "I don't want to talk about it." She exhaled deeply, and when she spoke again, her tone was softer. "Sorry Al, I'm just not ready to dive into that clusterfuck right now."

"All good, I get it." I said, and then changed the subject mischievously, "Sooooooooo, how was it?"

She laughed. "Well, from what I remember, it was good. Really good, actually. Although I was wasted, so we're kind of grading on a curve."

"Well that's something," I said. "Go Eric."

"Yeah," she said, laughing again. "I was pleasantly surprised. He didn't even try to sneak out while I was sleeping, or pull some other asshole maneuver this morning when we woke up. He was actually very cool about the whole thing. He even offered to make coffee before I tossed him out on his ass."

"Really? That's impressive." Rhiannon made a skeptical sound and I corrected myself, "Okay, not impressive, but good. Solid. I dunno, he doesn't completely suck, right?"

"Gee, how reassuring," she said sarcastically.

"I'm doing my best! I'm barely functional right now, work with me here," I protested jokingly.

"Oh God, I hear you. I feel like death." There was silence on the other end, and then Rhiannon took a deep breath. "There's one more thing," she said in a slightly embarrassed voice.

"What?" I asked, amused.

She exhaled deeply, before saying, "I may have agreed to go out with him on Friday."

I laughed out loud. "How the hell did that happen?"

"I dunno, we woke up and he was being all nice, and I was so embarrassed and awkward, and I really just wanted him to leave, and so when he asked if he could see me again, I said sure." She groaned. "I was under duress! It doesn't count!"

"Yeah well, I think it's a little late for take-backsies," I teased.

"You have made your amusement clear. Be helpful now, please!"

I smothered a laugh, and then sighed.

Rhi waited a beat before asking, "Are you judging me right now?"

I snorted. "Definitely not. Do you not remember Single Allie? I slept with a guy wearing a pirate costume once. And it was not Halloween. You do not even know the meaning of shame."

"Oh yeah, Pirate Guy," she said fondly. "I forgot about him."

"Well, Eric is no Pirate Guy," I said. "Actually, he's a pretty good catch."

"What is with you right now? Have you been drinking the Lisa Frank Kool-Aid? You're all rainbows and unicorns and it's weirding me the fuck out. Just give me your honest opinion."

I sighed, "Honestly Rhi, why not go out with him? Like you said, you're in rebound mode, and Eric, despite his other qualities, is hot and funny. I bet you'd have fun with him." She didn't say anything, so I continued. "Do whatever you want to do. But it's just one date. It's not like you have to marry the guy, right? And it might be nice to get back out there."

After a beat, she replied, "Yeah, I guess." She let out a surprised laugh. "Wow, I can't believe you, of all people, just talked me into going out with Eric."

The irony did not escape me. "Trust me," I said, wryly, "I find it hard to believe myself."

*****

Finals had arrived, and I was basically spending any free moments I had holed up in the library, studying. The fact that job interviews were right around the corner made this round of finals especially stressful. That stress, combined with the recent mindfucks in my life, made it hard to sleep, and the effects were starting to show. By mid-week, I was basically grumpy and exhausted all the time, and I was starting to resemble the Cryptkeeper.

Bridget and I were studying together in the library on Thursday afternoon. We each had our last final of the week the following morning. For the most part, I had taken my harder classes in second year, but Tax Law had been killing me all semester, and my brain was feeling like complete mush. The only thing keeping me going was the knowledge that a two day break was coming, and the fact that I'd been mainlining Starbucks since 8 AM.

I was re-reading an especially complex section of my notes for what felt like the hundredth time when someone slid into the empty seat next to me. The familiar scent of expensive cologne tickled my nose and I sighed, before turning to acknowledge Julian briefly.

"Hey Bridge, Alexandra," he said smoothly.

"Hey," Bridget replied, "All done your finals for the week?"

He leaned back in his chair. "I have Torts tomorrow, but it's a cake walk. I actually came to see if you guys wanted to take a break and grab a drink."

I blinked at him in scornful disbelief, before turning back to my notes.

"I take it you're gonna pass, then?" he said teasingly.

"Allie has her Tax final tomorrow," Bridge said in a sympathetic voice.

Julian laughed. "Oh God, how badly do you want to die right now?"

I turned to him and raised one eyebrow. "At this moment? Desperately."

"Well you guys should take a break," he announced, ignoring my jibe and slapping his hands on his legs. "Come have a drink, and then you'll be refreshed and ready to hit the books again."

Bridget tilted her head to the side and raised her brows like she was considering it. I let out a short laugh, shaking my head, and said, "Sorry, I actually have to do well on my exams. Mommy and Daddy can't just snap their fingers and get me whatever job I want."

If I had hoped to take Julian down a peg, I completely missed my mark. He simply laughed and patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry, if this whole law school thing doesn't work out, you can always marry rich. I'll hook you up with a sugar daddy." He bent, giving me an assessing look. "Although, you may wanna clean yourself up a bit. You look like shit."

I knew he was joking (even Julian's not that big of an ass), but I just didn't have it in me to make a stinging comeback. I was way too exhausted for one of our verbal sparring matches. Plus, I knew he was right; I did look like shit, and I felt like shit, too. I simply sighed and looked back down at my notes.

I could feel Julian's eyes on me as he worked on Bridget, but I stared resolutely at my page, willing him to leave. Bridget wavered for a few more minutes before electing to stay with me and grind out a few more hours of studying. I sent a silent thank you up to the heavens when he finally gave up and slid out of the chair.

I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder, and when I ignored it, Julian tipped my chin up to look him in the face. To my surprise, he looked genuinely contrite. "Hey," he said in a low voice, "I was just kidding, Allie. I didn't mean to like, hurt your feelings."

I pulled my chin out of his grip, uncomfortable. After the last two years, I knew how to handle any shade of obnoxious that Julian threw my way, but this sincerity? I had no clue how to take it. "It's cool," I said, shrugging with a lightness I didn't feel. "I'm just tired, and not feeling especially witty. Don't worry, I'll burn you twice as hard next time to make up for it."

He laughed. "There's the girl who loves to hate me! I'll hold you to that. It's only fun when you fight back."

I rolled my eyes at him, and he grinned, before turning to go. As he walked away, he tossed over his shoulder, "Good luck on your exams, try-hards. Alexandra, I look forward to doing battle with you!"

We both laughed, and Bridget nudged me me with her shoulder. "See?" she said, brows raised. "He's not completely terrible."

I nodded, conceding the point. "Not completely," I agreed. I turned back to my notes, feeling slightly less disheartened. After all of the unexpected ugliness with Reid, Teo, and Rachel, it sure was nice to be pleasantly surprised.