Three's a Crowd

Rhiannon spun and started blindly pushing her way through the crowd. I shot Matteo one more glare, then quickly followed, a few paces behind. I caught up to Rhi halfway back to the booth, and latched on to her arm. She turned to meet me, her expression a war between hurt and rage.

"That lying son of a bitch!" she hissed. "He swore there was no one else."

"Rhi, it's been months," I said soothingly. "Maybe he was telling the truth."

She choked out a bitter laugh. "Even if I wanted to delude myself into believing that, I know it's not true. I've met that girl. Teo was a TA in a first year class and she was one of the students. She was in one of the extra study groups that he led. She would go to his office for "extra help" all the time. I can't believe I didn't see it before."

I felt my own anger rise on Rhiannon's behalf, but I pushed it aside. "Rhi, let's just go, okay?" I said softly. "Rachel will understand."

She shook her head emphatically. "No. He's already made a fool of me once. I'm not crawling out of here with my tail between my legs. If he's uncomfortable, he can be the one to go!"

I sighed. "I don't know, Rhi... I think we should just leave. I don't see how this is going to end well."

"I'm fine," she said through gritted teeth, rage clearly winning the battle now. Rhiannon had the softest heart, but when she was angry, she was a force of nature. There was no standing in her way. Her eyes focused on something over my shoulder and her face hardened further. "You want to help me, Allie? Keep him the fuck away from me."

I glanced backwards and saw Matteo making his way over to us. When I turned back to Rhiannon, she was already shouldering her way back to the booth.

I set my shoulders and stood firmly in Matteo's path as he approached me. He stopped in front of me and I stared into his face, my brows raised, my mouth pinched with contempt.

"Allie..." he started, before trailing off, his eyes dropping to the floor.

"Don't bother, Matteo," I spat the words at him, my voice sharp. He flinched.

"Come on, Allie," he said. "I just want to talk to her, to explain it... It's not what she thinks."

"Does it even matter?" I said. "What could you possibly say that would make things better?"

He swallowed hard, guilt etched into his face. "I didn't cheat on her."

"Honestly, Teo, it doesn't even matter." My voice was cold, disdainful. I had the knife in him, and I sure as hell wanted to twist it. "She loved you, she built her whole life around you, and you just shattered her and walked away. Whether you started fucking your freshmeat before or after the fact is irrelevant."

He set his jaw, and a steeliness came into his eyes. "She built her life around me? More like the other way around. Our whole relationship revolved around her career, her dream." His voice cracked with bitter emotion. "I'm not the kind of guy who can be content with spending his whole life in the passenger seat."

I felt sick to my stomach. His words echoed what Gavin had said during our huge blowout. I heard the barely suppressed rage mingle with the contempt in my voice as I shot back, "So she should have given up on her dream so you could feel like more of a man? How pathetic."

Matteo's face twisted and I could tell that I had hit the mark. He opened his mouth to respond, when his little Barbie appeared at his side, tugging at his arm. "Matty, let's just get out of here."

I raised a brow and laughed. "Yeah, Matty," I spat the whitewashed nickname at him. "I think you've done more than enough damage for one night."

He looked at me in silent fury for a second, and then turned without a word towards the door, his girlfriend trotting dutifully at his heels like a little puppy.

I let out a deep breath I hadn't even realized I'd been holding, some of the rigid tension leaking out of my shoulders. I turned and slowly made my way back to the booth, less than eager to resume the festivities.

I didn't even spot Rhiannon right away, and when I did, I heaved a sigh of frustration. She was nestled into a corner of one of the booths, Eric practically wrapped around her. He had one arm slung over her shoulders, his hand playing with her hair as he leaned in to whisper in her ear. His other hand was sitting dangerously high on her thigh. She was smiling flirtatiously into his face.

I debated what to do for a moment, and Rachel appeared at my side. Her eyes were on Rhiannon and Eric too, but her innocent, excited expression mirrored none of my concern.

"It really looks like they're hitting it off! I'm so happy Rhi is finally giving Eric a chance. He's been into her forever! And she's been a freaking nun since the breakup. I'm glad she's finally moving on!"

"Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure about that," I said wryly.

She frowned, confused. "What do you mean?"

"We just ran into Teo," I said. I almost laughed at the shock on Rachel's face. "And  he was with a tiny blonde teenager who he is apparently screwing."

She grimaced. She looked back over at Rhiannon and Eric, and tilted her head to the side contemplatively. "Well, maybe this is a good thing, then," she said, her voice hopeful. "Give Rhi a confidence boost."

"I'm more concerned about how she's going to feel in the morning," I said. "She's obviously not thinking clearly."

"Right," Rachel said sarcastically. "Because God forbid she'd be interested in one of Derek's friends. Eric couldn't possibly be good enough for her."

I raised my hands defensively. "Whoa! Why are you getting pissed with me? I'm just trying to look out for Rhi."

"Yeah, and you always know best, don't you?" Rachel shot back, her voice quivering with resentment now. Her words began to tumble out as her anger picked up speed. "Get off your high horse, Allie. You and Gavin and Rhiannon and Teo were just a perfect foursome, weren't you? Just way too mature and sophisticated for me and Derek. Well I hate to break it to you, Allie, but Teo is the one who broke Rhi's heart into a million pieces. Eric is a good catch. He's smart and has a good job. Rhi would be lucky to be with him. And you just don't want to admit it because you don't want to be the one on the outside for once."

With that, she turned and flounced back to the booth. I stood there in shock. Tears rose to my eyes as waves of anger, hurt, and shame rolled over me. I had never realized that Rachel felt excluded by me and  Rhiannon. I was naturally closer with Rhi, and I hung out with her more one-on-one, confided in her more. I never thought that Rachel even picked up on it, let alone felt hurt by it.

The effects of the turbulent events of the night hit me all at once and I suddenly felt like couldn't stay there a minute longer. I approached Rhi and tapped her on the shoulder. She looked over at me as if in a daze, "What's up?"

"I'm gonna head out," I said. "You coming?"

She hesitated, looking back at Eric. "Stay and hang out. I'll take you home," he said.

I'll bet you will, I thought spitefully. I waited for her answer.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna stick around a while longer," she said casually.

I had a very strong feeling that she was going to regret this in the morning, but I knew Rachel was right about one thing. I couldn't make Rhi's decisions for her. She had to be free to make her own mistakes and I just had to be there to help her through the fallout, no judgment. God knows she'd done that for me enough times when I was single. "Okay, then. Text me so I know you get home safe,
okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," she said, turning away. "I'll be fine."

I said my goodbyes to everyone. Rachel refused to meet my eyes. I went out back and ordered an Uber, which luckily came within minutes.

By the time I slipped between my sheets, I was exhausted and had a dull pounding feeling behind my eyes. I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable, flashes of the night playing on a loop inside my head. Rhiannon's tear-filled eyes. Teo's bitter words. Rachel's angry resentment.

Unbidden, Reid's face joined the jumble. I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face.

What a colossal fucking mess.

Painful Reunion

Thank you all so, so much for your understanding this week. I managed to actually get a full night's sleep and was able to finish the post! I'm working on Part 2 now, and will have it up tonight or tomorrow AM! 

*****

I woke up the morning after the Foxhole in Gavin's arms. As my drugged feeling of sleepiness began to melt away, the events of the night before crept back in. Immediately, my stomach began to churn as Reid's words came back to me. His image flashed in my mind, his jaw set, his eyes intense, and I shivered.

Gavin slowly began to wake up, and as he lazily trailed kisses down my neck, stroking my body, and turning me towards him, I forced the thoughts of Reid from my mind.

The uneasy feeling lingered like a fog around me for the next week. As I studied for finals, proofread my papers, ran on the treadmill, made dinner with Gavin, my unease would be there in the back of my mind, waiting to be acknowledged.

When Saturday arrived, I woke up feeling completely tied up in knots. The idea of facing Reid made me feel almost sick with tension. I didn't know how to deal with what he'd said. I didn't know how to act around him. Should I force the issue and confront him? Should I act as if everything was normal?

In the end, I did neither. I texted Ainsley and bailed on the game, saying I was too busy cramming for finals.

Instead, Gavin and I went out together to start our Christmas shopping. We walked idly hand-in-hand through the stores, teasing each other playfully. I finally felt the tension of the last week start to ease.

We stopped for a late lunch at our favourite Thai place. As we hungrily devoured our spicy green curry and pad Thai, Gavin asked me, "What do you want to do tonight?"

"It's Derek's birthday today, remember? We're heading out to some bar downtown." I caught the vague grimace on Gavin's face and laughed. "I'm obligated to be there, but you're off the hook. You don't have to come."

"Thank you," he said, clearly relieved. "Derek is cool, but I don't know if I'm up to the whole brodown tonight."

Rachel's boyfriend Derek on his own was a nice, if rather bland, guy. He and Gavin got along well enough. His group of friends, however, were completely obnoxious idiots. They had all been friends since high school, and whenever they were together, all of them regressed into teenage boy mode. Whenever we hung out with them, Gavin always ended up sitting to the side, feeling painfully awkward as they tried to out-douche each other. I couldn't blame him for wanting to skip another evening like that. Frankly, if I could have bailed without hurting Rachel's feelings, I would have.

Gavin dropped me off at my apartment and I studied for a few more hours before I had to start getting ready. The bar we were going to was fairly new and I hadn't been there before, but I'd heard it was a more upscale place. I showered, put on some makeup, and curled my hair into long loose tendrils. I put on a silky, slightly sheer dark pink top and skinny charcoal pants. A pair of black, heeled ankle boots completed the outfit.

Rhiannon showed up just after 9, and we headed downtown. There was already a pretty big line forming outside, and I was very happy that Derek had the forethought to put his party on the list. We bypassed the line, and as we went in, ignoring the glares of all of the 21 year olds shivering in their skimpy outfits with no coats, my eyes caught those of a tiny, pretty blonde girl. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place her. She stared at me and Rhiannon for a moment longer, before turning and whispering to her friend, both of their eyes on us.

That's weird, I thought to myself. I shrugged and followed Rhi in. Bitches be hatin'.

Rachel, Derek, and all of his friends were sitting at two massive booths in the back of the bar. I waved at Rachel, who was penned into the corner of the booth talking to one of the guys' girlfriends, Ashley, who I'd met a few times over the years. We hugged Derek and wished him a happy birthday before being crushed into a booth with the guys. They were in fine form, yelling over each other as they reminisced about their wild high school and college antics. Rhi and I smiled along, but rolled our eyes at each other when they weren't looking. We'd heard most of these stories before, many times over.

About an hour after we got there, Derek's friend Eric arrived. One of the perpetually single guys of the group, Eric was gorgeous, with dark almost black hair, olive green eyes, and an easy, cocky grin. Somehow he managed to weasel his way in on Rhi's other side, and immediately began laying on the charm. He'd been trying to get with her for years, but I had a feeling he was going to be spinning his wheels again tonight. He was sexy, smart, and funny, but definitely not Rhiannon's type. Too smooth, too practiced. She matched his banter easily, but I heard the cynical note in her voice and I could tell she saw right through him. He leaned closer, and Rhi pulled back so far she was practically in my lap.

"Bathroom?" I suggested, and she nodded eagerly.

"Don't take too long," Eric said, smirking. Rhiannon smiled tightly at him.

As we touched up our makeup in the bathroom, Rhi groaned, "God, Eric cannot take a hint."

I laughed, rearranging my curls. "He's smitten with you! Poor guy!"

She rolled her eyes. "Please. He's just too into himself to accept that any girl could resist him."

"I dunno," I said, playfully. "He's pretty persistent. I think he actually likes you."

"He just likes the chase," she said, dismissively. "He's a player through and through."

We went to grab a drink from the bar on our way back to the booth. The place was now packed, and Rhi kept a loose grip on my wrist so we wouldn't get separated. I was leaning over the bar, yelling my drink order to the bartender over the music, when her grip suddenly tightened, her nails digging into my wrist painfully.

I yelped, turning towards her. My words died in my throat as I looked into her face. She stared, stricken, over my shoulder.
She looked like she'd seen a ghost. I knew who she had seen without her even saying a word. Only one person had ever been able to shatter Rhiannon.

"Matteo," she choked out.

I followed her gaze to the familiar figure on the other side of the bar. He hadn't seen us yet. He looked happy, laughing over his shoulder to someone behind him.

I looked at Rhi, who was swallowing hard, trying to regain her composure. It was the first time we'd run into him since their sudden break up a year ago. Rhi and Teo had been together since our sophomore year of college. They had been the golden couple, his dark Argentinian looks highlighting her exotic beauty. Many guys had laid themselves at Rhiannon's feet over the years, but Teo, with his gentle, soulful spirit, was the only one who she'd ever truly fallen for.

After four years of seemingly blissful coupledom, the sudden break up came with no explanation. Teo packed up his stuff and was out of their apartment within a few hours. Rhiannon was devastated, only leaving the apartment to go to class and the hospital. She lost so much weight she started to look like a corpse. It was only in the last few months that she had started to come out of it, but the scars were deep and lasting. She had held every guy at arm's length since then, and her once vivacious personality was considerably muted.

I was mulling this over when I heard Rhiannon choke back a sob. I looked back over at Matteo, and what I saw filled me with a murderous rage.

He was still standing at the bar, but now he'd been joined by a tiny, blonde who was wrapping her arms around his waist. As she tilted her head back to look up at him adoringly, I recognized her as the girl who'd been staring at us outside the bar.

He raised his head to order a drink. I could tell the moment he saw us. His smile fell off of his face as he took in Rhi's shocked sadness and my furious glare. He looked guiltily at the tiny Barbie beside him.

Rhiannon had finally gotten her explanation.

Update and apology!

Hey guys,

I'm so sorry I haven't gotten a post up yet. That wedding shower ate up my whole weekend (Never. Hosting. Again.), and I've been at work late the past two nights. I have literally been coming home and passing out immediately. I will finish up the post and have another one up, even if it means a double post on Saturday.

I'm having trouble sticking to the schedule right now, because I have a big project deadline coming up at work. I'm on vacation right after it wraps up at the end of the month, and will get back on track then. Until that point, I'll still post once a week, it just won't be on a set day.

Again, I'm sorry. I look forward to a time when work is not owning my life and I get home before 9 PM!

Running late!

Prepping for a wedding shower that I'm hosting tomorrow! Post will be up tonight, just later :)

EDIT: Hey guys, I'm sorry but I JUST finished my baking/cleaning/setup for this shower and I'm exhausted. I thought I would have more time to finish the post today but I just didn't get to it. I'll do my best to put it up tomorrow. Sorry again!

Reid: The One

Technically we had a tie, so I will keep you guys in suspense about whether we will be hearing from Reid or Allie next... For now, here's a little more Reid! See you Saturday!

*****

Once Marley was born, life changed immensely in our house. My mom's good days got fewer and farther between. My dad became thinner and grayer, and always looked tired.

But I had Marley. This amazing little human who was always smiling and laughing. I had someone to play with, someone to talk to, someone who liked things loud and silly. I had someone whose tears I knew how to stop, whose hurts I knew how to heal.

And I had a job. When my mom was screaming, or sobbing, or barely conscious, my dad would turn to me and say, "Take care of your sister." I would take Marley out in the wagon, or into the backyard, or even barricade us in my room while my dad talked my mom down off the ledge, or soothed her sobs, or coaxed her into eating and maybe taking a bath for the first time in days.

As I went through junior high and high school, my friends always ragged on me for being Marley's "manny," but it didn't bother me. I wanted to shield Marley from our fucked up family as best as I could. I wanted her to have someone who would always care about her happiness, someone who would put her first. I was determined that she wouldn't grow up the way that I did. She would get to be a kid.

So I took her to dance classes, and soccer practice, and friends' birthday parties. I watched every game, went to every recital. I listened to her stories and her jokes. I read to her at night. And it was all worth it, to watch her grow up happy and normal.

Of course, this meant that I didn't have a ton of time for my own shit, but that was fine. I had no big college plans and could easily make Bs and Cs without breaking my back. I hung out with my friends on the weekends, usually after Marley was asleep.

I didn't date much, but that was fine with me anyway. Jay, who always had a girlfriend (or four) on the go, constantly razzed me about my "square wheels". But I watched as he went through a hundred and twelve messy breakups: screaming matches at parties or on the quad, girls calling him or showing up at his house at all hours of the night, egging his car, or in one especially memorable case, setting a bunch of his shit on fire on his lawn.

I'd experienced crazy. I'd had more than enough of it for an entire lifetime. I didn't need any more bullshit drama in my life.

Then, in junior year, I met Jasmine. She sat in front of me in English, and I was mesmerized by her neat, perfect handwriting and her thick mane of dark, straight hair that always smelled like peaches. She was pretty, nice, shy and sweet, the kind of girl that nobody has a bad word to say about. She was just completely, wonderfully... normal.

Dating Jasmine was like getting dropped into someone else's life. When we were getting pizza or at the movies, I would actually forget to worry about my mom, or my dad, or Marley for a few hours. I couldn't believe that I was actually getting to be happy for once.

But of course, it couldn't last. One night, as I was driving her home from mini golf, Jasmine said something that absolutely terrified me.

"My parents want you to come for dinner next week," she said shyly, playing with a strand of her beautiful dark hair.

I froze. It was my first time formally meeting a girl's parents, but that wasn't what made my stomach churn in panic. I had met her parents in passing, and I was sure they were just as lovely as she was. It wasn't that at all.

I knew that if I went over there for dinner, Jasmine would expect a reciprocal invite. The thought of her coming over to my house, meeting my mom, made me freeze up in terror. I broke into a cold sweat and my clammy palms slid on the steering wheel as I stammered out some kind of excuse. My frozen panic turned to burning shame as hurt disappointment registered on her face. She jumped out of the car before I'd even fully stopped in front of her house. I could see her wiping away tears as she fumbled to open her front door.

It came as no surprise when she dumped me a few days later, accusing me of leading her on and not taking her seriously. I didn't argue, although it killed me to watch her cry. Anything was better than her knowing the truth.

I played it off like it was nothing, laughed in agreement when my buddies called Jasmine "clingy" and "crazy." I avoided her at parties, looked the other way when she started dating a nice, quiet senior. Deep down, I knew I'd been living a borrowed dream anyway. She deserved better. She deserved normal.

I didn't really date anyone else for the rest of high school. I would take girls out from time to time, maybe fool around with someone at a party here and there, but nothing serious. I couldn't risk anyone getting as close as Jasmine had gotten. Girls assumed that I was a player, took it as a challenge. What a fucking joke.

After graduation, I immediately started working construction full time. I hadn't  applied to any big colleges or state schools. Instead, I took courses online and in the evenings at the local community college, working towards my contractor's license. I had one goal: to get myself and Marley the hell out of our house as soon as humanly possible. Finally, there was an end in sight.

Jay and a few of our buddies ended up at State, and they would often drag me along with them to frat parties and pubs where they didn't look too hard at IDs. I tried not to get too jealous of these glimpses into the carefree existence that would never be mine. I swallowed the bitterness that rose up whenever they would start to bitch and moan about their classes and professors. They said I was so lucky that my parents hadn't forced me to go to college, that I was making money hand over fist. They said that they wished they were in my shoes. Right. I laughed and played along, as if my parents were super cool and laid back, instead of too preoccupied with their own shit to care what I did.

There were perks to hanging out at the college events. After killing myself all week between work and school, it was nice to let loose and actually be eighteen. And the girls didn't hurt either. They were fun and pretty, and most importantly, not looking for a relationship, which worked out damn well for me.

That is, until I stumbled upon Sarah. It was  St Patrick's Day, and we were in a godawful imitation of an "Irish" pub. I went up to the bar, ordered a green beer, and when I turned around, there she was.

Whenever Sarah and I tell the story of how we first met, I always say that I knew she was the one at first sight. Everyone sighs and says, "Awwww!" at that part of the story. They never ask what I saw in her that made me just know that I had to be with her. I guess they assume that they know the answer already. They don't.

So what did I see when I saw Sarah?

She was standing with a group of girls, many of whom were decked out with fully made up faces and slutty green outfits. By contrast, she was in a green t-shirt and jeans, without a stitch of makeup on. Her long blond hair tumbled loose across her shoulders, falling into her face. She joked and laughed with her friends, no posturing for attention, no casting her eyes about for a guy to latch on to. She wasn't the hottest, or the most flirtatious, or the wildest girl in the group. But my eyes stopped on her, and I couldn't look away. My heart caught in my throat.

I saw someone who was carefree, sweet, beautiful, innocent. I saw someone who was so full of light that it seemed to radiate from her. Mostly, I saw someone that was absolutely nothing like my mom. Someone who promised something different, something better. That's how I knew.

This is the girl, I thought to myself. Don't fuck it up.

Reid: The Background

Hey everyone! This post is unfortunately NOT a bonus, but is in lieu of Saturday's post. It's going up early because it's my birthday tomorrow and I'm taking off for a four day weekend! Scheduling posts hasn't been working for me, and I don't want to risk the possibility of not getting a post up for the week. I'm working on two other posts and will get one up early/mid-week so you don't have a week and a half between posts.

Now, on to the good stuff. I've been playing with the possibility of doing a post from Reid's POV for a while, but had planned on waiting until further in the story. However, I thought it was about time we shed some light on this perplexing guy. I LOVED writing this post and immediately started another one! I have a plan for a few Reid posts that would eventually link up with Allie's story. However, I'd like to give you guys a choice here. Would you rather have all of the Reid posts in a row before switching back to Allie, or have the Reid posts alternate with Allie posts? Majority rules! Let me know in the comments! 

*****

I've always been a fade into the background  kind of guy. People often assume that I'm shy, or insecure, but that's not it. It's a survival instinct. Growing up in my house, fading into the background was the only way to avoid upsetting the very delicate knife-edge balance we lived upon everyday.

I'm not sure if there was a time when we were a normal happy family, but if there was, I don't remember it. What I do remember is my dad ushering me outside, or into my room, or even into the basement so that my very presence wouldn't set my mom off. But no matter how quiet or how good I was, it was never enough. Something would always set her off, whether it was my Legos clicking together, or the squeak of my new shoes on the linoleum, or the just the sound of my voice.

I learned early on that my mom was really three people. On her up days, she was super mom, making my favourite lunches, picking me up from school, taking me for ice cream. Then, in a flash, one wrong move, one wrong question, and she would turn into Medusa, screaming, throwing things, eyes popping, veins bulging. And when that fiery rage burned out, there was the zombie who stayed in bed for days with the lights off, the bedroom door locked.

My dad and I didn't live with her but around her, constantly tiptoeing in circles, waiting to make a wrong move that would cause the whole house of cards to collapse. There was no reprieve, because even on the best and brightest days, the shadows of the next meltdown were always lurking just out of sight.

But I wasn't resentful or angry about it. This was just how we lived, and for many years it never even occurred to me that other people were living any other way.

It was at Jay's house that I first realized that other moms weren't like mine. I was in the fourth grade, and Jay and I would often  ride our bikes to the park after school. We usually ended up at his place, where his mom would have a snack on the table and at least one of his three siblings would be running around the house. His mom was always sweet to me, but hey, my mom was sweet sometimes too. I just assumed I kept catching his mom on her good days.

Jay and I were joking around at the kitchen table when he gave me a joking shove. My elbow knocked into my glass of milk, sending it flying. I froze, horrified, as the milk arced across the kitchen, splattering the floor and cabinets. I braced myself for the explosion that I knew was coming.

But it never came. Jay's mom simply sighed, laughed, and handed us a roll of paper towels. "Never a dull moment with you, kiddo," she said to Jay with a resigned smile. She ruffled my hair as she passed by, grabbing a rag to wipe down the cabinets.

I was stunned. I remember going home that night, walking right past my mom's locked bedroom door (she was in zombie mode), and climbing into my bed. I covered my mouth with my pillow so that my crying wouldn't disturb her.

After that, I basically lived at Jay's. I loved his crazy, bustling  house packed with kids and pets, where someone was always making a mess or breaking something, and no one ever so much as batted an eye about it. It was the only time that I got to truly relax and be a kid. Compared to his house, mine was a mausoleum with its eerie, lifeless quiet.

When I was ten, my mom threw a vase against a wall right beside my head during one of her meltdowns. It shattered, and a shard flew into my face, slashing through my eyebrow. The pain was blinding, blood was running into my eye, but what I remember most vividly is my mom screaming. Shrieking at me and my dad, wildly, maniacally. And how those screams turned into wracking, keening sobs as she collapsed onto the kitchen floor. I ran into the bathroom and unrolled all of the toilet paper to try and stop the bleeding, while my dad tried to coax my mom up off the floor.

That night, my dad took me to the hospital and held my hand as the doctor stitched up my eyebrow. We told them that I'd knocked the vase into the wall by accident when I was skateboarding in the house. I picked up on the irony even then.

When we got back, my dad told me to wait in the car. Ten minutes later, he came back out with two duffel bags in his hands. My mom stood at the door and watched through the screen as we backed out of the driveway. Her face was flat, not even a flicker of emotion as she watched us back out and drive away. Zombie mom.

We stayed with my grandparents for three weeks. It was awesome. There was always food in the fridge, always someone to play with or talk to. It was like I had been holding my breath for ten years, and now I could finally relax and just be. My dad and I got to spend so much time together, too. We played catch, went to the park, and even took a weekend trip to the lake together.

I worried about my mom, but I knew my dad was checking on her every night after I went to sleep. I would lay in my dad's childhood bedroom, watching his headlights dance across the walls as he reversed out of the driveway. Nobody ever told me that he was going to see my mom, but I knew. There was no way he could just abandon her on her own. She needed us. I wondered if she was missing me, but I never asked. Maybe I was worried that even the mention of her would bring the shadows back into our lives.

Then one day, my grandpa picked me up from school, and when we got to the house, my dad's car was already in the driveway. I jumped out of the car, thrilled about this unexpected surprise. I flung the front door open and ran into the living room, but stopped short when I saw that my mom was sitting next to him on the couch.

She smiled and held out her arms to me, and after a moment's hesitation, I ran into them. But even as I nestled into her hug, I could tell something was wrong. My dad's smile had a tired, forced look to it, and my grandma's mouth was pinched shut.

Dad and I packed up our bags, and the three of us went back home. That night, my mom made pizza and let me make a silly face out of the toppings. The three of us snuggled up on the couch together and watched Home Alone, my favourite movie. She laughed at all of my impressions of the funny parts and even chimed in on, "Keep the change, ya filthy animal!" At bedtime, she tucked me in and kissed me goodnight, and I let her, even though I had outgrown that baby stuff already.

Three days later, she called me a worthless fucking idiot and locked me out of the house until it got dark because I walked on the floor in muddy shoes. Rookie mistake. I cursed myself over and over, shivering on the back step in my t-shirt, waiting for my dad to come home. Those few weeks at my grandparents' had made me careless. Luckily, I soon fell back into my old routine. Tiptoeing around. Holding my breath. Fading into the background.

Which was a very good thing, because seven months later, my sister Marley was born.