Holiday Hangover - Part 2

Hey guys sorry about the late post. Not sure if you're up on your Portugal news, but the crazy fires here have really screwed things up. We were supposed to go down south but the fires moved that way. On the train Wednesday, we passed like five different fires, it was crazy. We got freaked out and ended up hopping out to go back north, which meant scrambling to find accommodations at the last minute. Not that I'm complaining; people here have lost their homes and even died, which is truly tragic and obviously a far greater problem than disrupted vacation plans. 

Anyways, we worked things out and are actually going to be in one place for a few days, so there will be another post up tomorrow, I promise promise promise! I also fleshed this one out a bit so it's a little meatier than it was originally. See you again tomorrow!

*****

"Hey," I said back shyly. I resisted the urge to break eye contact, but couldn't help the flush that rose under Reid's warm gaze.

Luckily, Rhiannon provided me with a welcome distraction as she leaned in front of me. "Since Allie seems to have forgotten her manners," she said, nudging me with her elbow before extending her hand. "I'm Rhiannon."

"Reid," he said, shaking her hand briefly. He pointed a thumb at Jay. "And this questionable individual is Jay."

Rhiannon smiled knowingly. "I've heard stories."

Jay grinned devilishly. "Only good things, I'm sure."

"If you say so," Rhi teased back with raised brows.

"Let's get you a drink and maybe you can tell me a few of your stories then," Jay parried smoothly.

Rhi flashed him a smile and they moved down the bar towards the bartender. Leaving me to Reid, who wore an expression of resigned amusement. He nodded towards Rhi and Jay and commented drily, "You may want to keep an eye on your friend. Jay has her in his sights."

I laughed. "I'm not worried. Rhiannon can handle him." Rhi may have been out of the game for a while, but she wasn't naive enough to take his attention as anything other than what it was. I could tell she found his blatantly flirty banter as harmlessly entertaining as I did.

We leant back on the bar in companionable silence for a few moments. "Did you have a good Christmas?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "It was fine. We went out to Sarah's parents' place and did the usual dinner and presents thing."

I picked up on the fact that he made no mention of his family and also that he very clearly did not want to talk about it, so I didn't push. Keeping cards close to the chest was something I understood all too well.

After a moment, he asked, "How about you?"

I shrugged. "My sister and I take turns going home for Christmas, and it was my turn this year."

He frowned. "By yourself? Gavin didn't go with you?"

My mouth lifted in a cynical half-smile. This was a question I got a lot. Usually, I trotted out a simple stock answer but something about Reid invited confidences, and before I knew it, I was saying, "Gavin's family is wonderful and mine is just... a lot to deal with. He always offers to come with me, but I would feel like an asshole pulling him away from his happy family to join me in my misery."

"I doubt that he'd see it that way," Reid said, his frown deepening. "He'd probably like to be there for you, easing the load."

I lifted my eyebrows and cocked my head, acknowledging the point. I smiled ruefully and admitted, "Sharing the load isn't exactly my forte."

He laughed without humour. "Oh, trust me, I know how that is." He took a deep breath and raked his hand through his hair, his gaze leaving mine as he continued, "My family is a lot to take, too."

I nodded. I sensed what a big deal it was for Reid to reveal even this much, and was careful to keep my expression neutral. Sympathy was easily mistaken for pity, and that's the last thing I'd wanted on the rare occasions when I opened up about my family.

He nudged me and said, "You are like the least nosey person ever."

I smiled at him and replied, "I know what it's like when people push for more information than I'm willing to give. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else."

"Yeah, well most people don't understand. They just feel bad for you -"

"Which makes you feel even shittier about it," I finished for him.

"Exactly," he said. "It's different with someone who's been through it."

I saw what Reid was offering. The chance to share the load with someone who understood. And for some crazy reason, I felt a sense of kinship with him that I hadn't ever felt with anyone else. But that didn't make it much easier to lay bare a vulnerability that I had guarded fiercely my whole life.

And yet, I found myself taking a shaky breath and pushing the words through the tightness in my chest. "My parents hate each other. They spent my whole childhood screaming at each other in front of us while deluding themselves that they were staying together for our benefit." Reid quirked an eyebrow at the irony. "When they finally divorced, my sister and I were so relieved, but all that changed was that they sniped at each other through us instead. When my sister got engaged, the wedding became all about them competing to be the better parent and making her feel guilty about accepting the other's help. It got so bad that she and her husband ended up eloping and taking an offer to move out of state as soon as one came up." I looked down and shook my head, smiling cynically. "They've been divorced for almost ten years. You'd think they'd have gotten the hang of it by now."

Reid took a swig from his beer and I wished desperately that I had a drink so that I could have something to do with my hands, something to distract me from the sense of panic that always followed letting my guard down. "That sucks," he said simply, and I nodded wordlessly, my eyes looking anywhere but at him as I fought to get a grip on my emotions.

I finally managed a shrug. "You get used to it."

"Do you?" He asked, his voice rough. "I'm still waiting for that to happen."

I looked up at him and this time he was the one looking away as he said, "My mom is bipolar. When I was growing up, our whole household revolved around her up- and down-swings." He swallowed hard and went on,  his voice hardening with bitter resentment. "When I turned 18, I finally had enough and I packed up my sister and moved us to my grandparents' place. My dad tried to stick it out with my mom, but it finally got so bad that even he couldn't ignore the fact that she needed help. She would agree to go into a facility, and the second that the meds kicked in, she'd insist that she was ready to come home. Of course, my dad would cave, and sure enough, the second she got home, she'd go off her meds and they'd be right back at square one."

I fought back the sympathy that threatened to show in my face at the thought of a teenage Reid dealing with this mess, raising himself and his sister in the process. He sighed heavily and said, "After a few years, my dad finally realized that my mom was not getting better. He pushed her to check into long term care and she left him." He took another deep swig from his beer and rolled his shoulders restlessly. "Every once in a while, she surfaces to wreak havoc on my dad and Marley's lives, and then disappears again and they have to pick up the pieces. The rest of the time, we have no idea where she is or how she's doing."

"Jesus, Reid," I said.

He looked over at me with the saddest smile I'd ever seen. "Hey, no feeling bad for me, remember?"

My laugh was shaky and forced. "Right, sorry."

Our eyes met and held. I felt like I couldn't tear my eyes away even if I'd tried, as if our confidences were a physical bond holding us together.

The spell was broken by Jay's loud laughter as he and Rhiannon traipsed over to us. The awareness of our surroundings rushed back, and my face flushed as the weight of my words sunk in. Suddenly, I felt an urge to flee and lock myself behind my strong girl persona.

Rhiannon shoved a drink into my hand, and I forced myself to take a sip and assume a casual air, as if I hadn't just been baring the deepest, darkest part of my soul. As if Reid hadn't been doing the same.

Trailing behind Jay was a cluster of guys, his aforementioned "buddies." Jay made introductions, which bought me a bit more time to regain my shattered composure. The conversation was light and required nothing from me other than to laugh at regular intervals. By the time I hit the bottom of my drink, I was back to normal, every piece of my persona in place.

"Jeez, you thirsty?" The joking remark came from a super tall blond guy whose name I was fairly certain was Paul.

"I have it on good authority that Allie knows how to throw down," Jay chimed in.

"You guys just wish you could keep up with me," I replied playfully. This I could do. Banter was my wheelhouse.

At that moment, the opening chords to Fatboy Slim's "Praise You" rang out and Rhiannon let out a sound that was something between a squeal and a shriek. She dragged me onto the dance floor and the boys followed.

It was considerably closer quarters now and  I felt the fleeting brush of several bodies against mine as we danced. I closed my eyes and gave into my buzz, languidly twisting and swaying along with the music.

Until it registered in my mind that there was one body brushing against mine, too often to be incidental.

I felt a set of hips settle in to cradle my ass and I pivoted sharply to face Tall Blond Paul. I put a hand against his shoulder to push myself away, but his big hands closed around my waist, drawing me closer.

I pushed harder and said firmly, "I have a boyfriend."

He smiled and leaned in, almost yelling over the music, "What?"

One of his hands slipped up my shirt to rest on my bare lower back, while the other slid lower. My head began to spin and the faces around me blurred eerily under the flashing lights. I began to feel hot and claustrophobic in the crush of bodies. I arched my back to rear away from him, but it only brought my hips closer to his. He laughed and tried to draw me even closer, and then suddenly a hand clamped firmly around my waist and yanked me away. I stumbled back against a hard body, and stubble brushed my temple. I tilted my head back and saw Reid, his face rigid with anger as he glared at Paul. He glanced down at me and bit out the words, "You okay?"

I nodded, still trying to swallow down the sick feeling in my throat. Reid turned me around and began to guide me out of the crowd, turning over his shoulder to say something angrily to Paul, who rolled his eyes in response.

When we got to the bar, Reid ordered me a water and I downed it immediately in thirsty gulps. I slammed the glass down on the bar and fanned my face, trying to cool down. Reid looked at me with grim concern, before reaching over to lift the weight of my hair off of my face and neck. The rush of cooler air felt so good that I forgot to be self-conscious about how nasty and sweaty I was, and simply sighed with relief.

I opened my eyes to thank Reid, but the words lodged in my throat at the intensity of his gaze. His eyes roamed hungrily over my face and settled on my parted lips. I felt his look like a physical touch and my bones melted under it. I unconsciously swayed towards him, my hand drifting to his chest. He let out a sharp breath, his hands tightening in my hair.

The jarring sound of a glass hitting the floor caused us both to blink and spring apart as if we'd touched an electrical fence. My head was spinning again, but not from the booze or the heat.

"I gotta - I'm gonna go find -" Reid stammered awkwardly.

"Yeah, me too. Bye!" I managed to splutter out. I spun and pushed through to the corner where Rhiannon and I had ditched our coats. I gathered them up and turned to see her making her way over to me. I signalled to the exit, and she nodded, changing course to meet me there.

Neither of us said a word as we hustled down the stairs and through the lower level. We spilled out into the freezing cold and I inhaled deeply, pushing my arms into my coat.

When I finally turned to look at Rhiannon, concern was written all over her face. And there was a trace of something else. Judgment.

"Allie," she said, warning in her tone, "What the hell was that?"

"What?" I challenged defensively, color rising in my face.

She raised her eyebrows. "Isn't that guy married?"

"Yes, he is," I answered, anger covering something else. Shame. "What about it?"

Surprise rippled across her face. I never got angry with Rhi, never talked to her like this.

I felt a stab of guilt, and cast my eyes down. "Nothing happened," I said quietly. "That Paul guy was grabbing me and Reid pulled me away. That was all."

"Allie," her voice softened. I forced my eyes up to her face, and saw worry written in the creases of her frown. "I saw how you guys looked at each other. You're both playing with fire."

"Nothing happened," I said again, more emphatically this time.

She nodded, her mouth tightening at the obstinance in my face. She ventured one last warning, "Just be careful. I don't want you to get hurt."

Her softly spoken words pierced me in the chest and I felt another hot stab of shame. "I'll be careful," I said.

A distance hung between us like a spectre the whole way back to my apartment. As we washed our makeup off and got ready for bed, Rhiannon's question bounced around in my head.

What the hell was that?

Each time I came up with a different answer.

It was the after effects of the stress of spending the holidays with my parents.

It was the fallout of us confiding in one another after too many drinks.

It was me drinking too much and losing my head.

It was the panic I felt when Paul grabbed me mingling with relief and gratitude when Reid saved me.

Even still I knew that there was another answer lurking at the back of my mind, one that I refused to give voice to. One that made my stomach curdle with shame every time it tried to approach the surface. And that answer was the one closest to the truth.