An Explanation

Hey guys,

First of all, I'm sorry for going MIA. You guys have been a great readerbase and I know it sucks to be left high and dry.

I've really wrestled with whether to write this post or to just let the blog die rather than open this window into my personal life. The thing is, this blog brought me a lot of joy, and right now I'm trying to reconnect to the things in my life that make me feel happy. However, to do that, I feel like I need to offer you an explanation.

So here goes:

Before my boyfriend and I left for Portugal, we got some really exciting news: I found out that I was pregnant. It wasn't exactly planned, but once we recovered from the surprise we were really excited about it, and the trip seemed like an excellent way to celebrate.

The morning sickness and exhaustion got more intense during the trip and while they didn't detract from my enjoyment, I was definitely passing out by like 9 PM every night. This was also part of the reason why some of the posts were late, although I'll admit that just enjoying the trip factored in to that, too.

That trip was honestly just so amazing. The two of us were just wrapped up in our little bliss bubble and I can't even describe how happy we were.

The trip back was a bit rough. Over 20 hours of travel time is unpleasant in any circumstances, and that was compounded by being tired and nauseated.

When we got back, things were so crazy with cleaning up the house and getting ready to go back to work. I guess that I was stressed, tired, and generally pretty distracted. I went grocery shopping a few days after we got back, and on my way home, I got in a car accident. Nothing major, very little damage and no one was seriously injured, but I started having cramping and bleeding later that day. I went to the hospital and they confirmed that I was miscarrying.

I actually can't explain how devastated I have been by losing the baby. I barely got out of bed for a week afterwards, and after that, really only left my house to go to work. I have been miserable to be around and known it and still been unable to do anything about it. My friends and family have all tried to help, and I've basically been shutting them out. It's only in the last two weeks that I've started to feel even remotely like myself again.

I know that many women go through this, that it happens more often than I think, and that there's no way of even knowing if the car accident is what caused it or if it was just not meant to be, but I have a lot of guilt about it. There is a lot of stuff that I'm carrying and that I have to work through to get past this. I'm working really hard to focus on the positive right now. Part of that is, as I mentioned, reconnecting to the things that make me happy.

Which brings me to the blog. Writing has always been an escape, and I'm hopeful that it can be one again. Having said that, writing is for me a very introspective process, and introspection right now is difficult and painful. I really want to come back, but I just can't make a promise about when that will be. Among other things, I've lost the thread of the story in my mind and need to get the feel of it again.

I guess I will just post a return date as soon as I know when that is. I'm really sorry that I can't be more definite. All I can promise right now is that I will try. I hope you guys understand.

Lastly, thank you all for your support over the last month. I literally haven't even checked the blog once until last night. When I saw the amount of comments, I almost just deleted them without reading them, because I couldn't handle any negativity. When I finally steeled myself to face it, I couldn't believe the messages of support and concern. I really appreciate it. It made this incredibly hard post a little bit easier to write.

Anyways, that's all I've got for right now. I hope to write to you all soon. Take care.