Aftershocks

Wow! I was blown away by the responses on my last post! I love how invested you guys are becoming in the story. 

I've been working hard to finish the posts before I leave on Monday (eeeeeek!). There will be one more post before I go and then at least one a week while I'm away!

*****

After a moment of what felt like interminable silence, I managed to force a smile to my face and choke out a laugh. I looked around the circle without really looking at anyone and tried to approximate my usual joking tone. "Shots for 1€ will do that to you! Luckily we woke up and came to our senses before joining their harem."

My scarlet face belied my light-hearted words but luckily, everyone played along so we could get past the awkward moment. Soon we were caught up comparing stories of the craziest things we'd ever done while drunk, and when Josh chimed in and started detailing his exploits, I made a subtle exit.

I made a beeline straight for my purse and texted Gavin. 911! Please get here as fast as humanly possible! 

I heard someone behind me and threw a fake smile on my face, which immediately died when I turned to face Rachel.

She looked incredibly uncomfortable, like she wanted to crawl out of her own skin. A brief pang of sympathy rose inside of me, but I crushed it. Why should I care about her feelings when she'd just firebombed mine?

We stood in a silent standoff, with me staring coldly as Rachel looked at the floor. There was no way that I was going to be the one to speak first.

She finally looked up at me, her mouth opening and closing, with no words coming out. She shook her head, swallowed hard and finally managed to whisper, "I'm so sorry."

I laughed, a short, harsh laugh that made Rachel flinch. "Oh you're sorry. Well that fixes everything, then!" I spat sarcastically.

"Allie, I feel so terrible. I never meant to say that. It just came out, and I -"

I cut off Rachel's tremulous words, hissing through my teeth, "Are you fucking kidding me right now? It didn't just "come out," Rachel. You deliberately said it to humiliate me."

Rachel shook her head fervently. "It wasn't like that! I was just so annoyed and -"

"You were annoyed," I parroted back in a biting voice. "So that justifies exposing something that I told you in confidence to half of our team."

Her eyes dropped, shining with tears.

"Can you even imagine how I felt just now?" I asked, my voice cracking. I was near to tears but there was no way I was going to give in to them in front of Rachel. I cleared my throat and continued in a cold, bitter voice. "Well, I hope it was worth it."

She looked up at me, tears streaming freely now. Rachel hated confrontations, avoided them at all costs. She'd always had such a hard time defending herself when we were younger. Rhi and I had always felt protective of her because of it. She would shrink like a defenceless little mouse whenever anyone came at her. As she cowered in front of me, I felt that usual protective instinct rise, but I pushed it aside as I moved to walk past her and out of the room.

She held out a hand to stop me and cried out, "Allie, wait! Please just talk to me!"

Her voice broke over her words and I felt something crack inside of me. But anger rose too, anger that Rachel was once again playing the little innocent victim even though she was the one who hurt me. I'm sick of being the bad guy, I thought to myself as I whirled around.


"You want to know why you're on the outside, Rachel? Why Rhi and I are so close and you're the one left out? Well, you just answered your own question. A real friend doesn't throw her friends under the bus, no matter how pissed off she is. Rhiannon would never have done what you just did, not in a million years. And I would never have done it to her. Or to you."

Rachel let out a miserable sob, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as her tears took over. She looked so pathetic and part of me, a big part, wanted to just let it go, hug her, and make her feel better. But my pride wouldn't allow it. I hardened my heart, turned away, and stalked out of the room.

At that exact moment, my phone buzzed in my hand. Gavin had responded, I'll be there in ten minutes. 

Ten minutes was a long time to wait outside in December, but there was no way I was letting Gavin walk in here when details of his sex life had just been laid bare. Who knows how far that story had spread by now? Tears of anger and humiliation threatened behind my eyes, and I strode purposefully to the door to grab my coat. Freezing cold was preferable to burning humiliation.

I was just slipping my arms into my coat when a voice from behind me asked, "You taking off?"

I looked over my shoulder at Reid. "Yeah," I smiled tightly at him. "It's been a long night."

He grimaced. "That was pretty rough just now. Are you okay?"

My face flamed all over again at the all too recent memory. "Just extremely embarrassed, that's all." I shrugged. "I might come off as a spotlight hugger like Josh, but I like to keep my private life private, you know?"

He nodded, his face sympathetic. "Well just so you know, Sarah and I won't say anything to anyone. I can't speak for Ainsley, but I don't think she would, either."

I raised one side of my mouth in a half-hearted smile. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

"No worries. How are you getting home?"

"Oh, Gavin's picking me up," I tried to recapture my breezy tone. "He'll be here any minute now." I put my hand on the door handle to head outside.

"Allie, it's freezing outside and you're wearing like half a dress under that coat. You're not waiting outside."

I dropped my head. "Honestly Reid, I just really need to not be here right now."

"It's really not as bad as you think," he said earnestly, stepping between me and the door. "None of us think any less of you. Stop agonizing over it."

I lifted a shoulder to acknowledge his words. The embarrassment stung, but the blowout with Rachel was what had really shattered me. It wasn't something that I could just shake off.

The image of Rachel's pleading face popped into my mind, and once again, tears sprung to my eyes. I turned away and cleared my throat, blinking furiously to try and ward them off.

"Allie," Reid said, his voice low and gravelly with concern.

His sweet sympathy made it even harder to hold the tears back. I swiped at my cheeks as they began to fall and smiled weakly up at him. "I'm sorry," I said. "I really hate crying in front of people."

In response, he slung an arm around me and gently pulled me to his side. He stroked my hair soothingly as I gave into my tears. "It's okay," he murmured softly.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before I finally sniffled back the last of my tears and drew away. I looked up at him, worn out from the rollercoaster emotions of the evening and beginning to feel self-conscious about crying in front of him. "Sorry about that. You make for a good shoulder to cry on," I said.

"I've got a little sister," he said, shrugging.
"Letting her cry on my shoulder comes with the big brother territory."

"Well she's lucky to have you," I said, sincerely. "You're a really good guy."

He blushed and smiled at me. "I try."

His face was illuminated by headlights as a car swung into the driveway. I peeked through the window and recognized Gavin's car. "That's Gav," I said. I turned towards the door, before changing my mind and turning back to Reid. I stepped closer to him and gave him a quick, hard hug before pulling back once more. I looked right in his eyes and said, "Thank you. For everything you did tonight. It means a lot."

He looked down at me with such a sweet, gentle smile that I couldn't believe I'd walked in this very door fuming at him. "Anytime," he said, and the warmth in his voice brought an answering smile to my face.

"Have a good night," I said softly. "And Merry Christmas."

"You too," he replied.

I shot him one last smile before slipping out the door. I scurried quickly to Gavin's car, eager to put this night behind me.

... Part-AY!

I tried something a little different with this post. It's a split perspective between Reid and Allie. It was coming off a little funny in past tense, so I ended up writing it in present tense. I hope that doesn't throw you guys off! 

Let me know what you think in the comments!


**Reid**

I am tense.

I am at Ainsley's holiday party, surrounded by my teammates who are well on their way to getting sloppy drunk. Will and I are losing spectacularly at beer pong to Sarah and Rachel, while Josh and Ainsley heckle us and use any excuse to flirt with each other. Everyone is having a good time, laughing and drinking, but I can't relax because I go rigid with tension every time the front door opens.

I want to drink to loosen up, but I'm worried about getting too loose and opening my stupid fucking mouth and letting out any more of the idiotic thoughts that need to stay crammed down in the deepest, darkest recesses of my brain. Saying those things, those stupid, horrible things, is what got me here in the first place.

Why the hell did I say it?

I've asked myself that a million times since that night at The Foxhole.

I asked myself that when Allie no-showed at the next game, after not missing a single game for months. I asked myself that when she did show up and looked so fucking uncomfortable that it was almost physically painful to be around her. I asked myself that when she deliberately snubbed me to cozy up to Jay, and again when she sauntered out without saying so much as a goddamn word to me.

And I'm asking myself that again tonight, every single time the door opens and my entire body winds tight at the thought of facing her again.

Why the hell did I say it?

I am a faithful guy, loyal as a dog and proud of it. I'm married to a woman who is beautiful inside and out. A woman who helped pull me out of the wreckage that was the first eighteen years of my life, and to whom I owe all of my happiness. In the ten years that Sarah and I have been together, I've never so much as toed the line of infidelity. I've stayed so far from that fucking line that I couldn't even see it.

And now, somehow, I'm at the edge of that line and it's staring me right in the face. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Okay, so Allie is gorgeous. It's not like I've never seen a hot girl before. Even one who sets my skin buzzing and my heart racing any time she accidentally brushes against me. Who wouldn't be attracted to her? It's not like it means anything.

Sure, she is cool, and smart, and hilarious. She makes me laugh my ass off and I can't believe some of the funny, sarcastic shit that comes out of her mouth. But that's a quality that I like in a lot of people, namely my stupid best friend whose cocky face I feel like punching in half of the time these days.

And yes, she has a shockingly soft side to her that she very rarely shows and which shot straight through me like a bullet when I caught a glimpse of it. Yes, I was honoured that she let me past her barriers. Just like I'd feel honoured to earn the trust of any friend.

Because that's what we are. Friends. I know that. I've been telling myself that over and over.

That's why I feel protective towards her. Like when that goon took a run at her. Or when my fucking player of a best friend wouldn't stop smiling at her, and looking at her in that you-know-you-want-me way, and making her laugh at his stupid jokes. I'm a protective guy, and I am protective towards Allie because we're friends. That's what I keep telling myself.

So, why the hell did I say it?

Maybe it's because a girl like Allie is so far out of my league that I would never even consider the possibility that she'd look at me twice. That's what made it so easy to be friends with her. I knew she had a boyfriend, probably a freaking heart surgeon that looks like Ryan Gosling's long lost twin brother and spends his free time doing triathlons and saving puppies. That's what I told myself.

I've been telling myself a lot of things.

And every single one of those things that I've been telling myself were shot straight to hell when Gavin walked into that bar. A nice, ordinary guy. The kind of guy you walk past ten times a day. Good-looking, but not remarkably so. Funny, but in a quiet way that doesn't command a lot of attention. Just a normal guy.

That guy could be anyone.

That guy could be me.

There it is. The insane, jealous thought that caused me to open my stupid mouth and ruin my friendship with Allie. The crazy, ridiculous thought that I have tried to beat out of my brain and which refuses to die. The torturous thought that has my mind constantly spinning on a hamster wheel. The sickening thought that has me tensing every time the door opens.

And then it opens and my heart pounds and I want to throw up because she's here.

**Allie**

Of course, the first people I lay eyes on are the very last people I want to see. I tear my eyes away from Reid and Rachel and roll my shoulders back, forcing a smile to my face as Ainsley and Josh bound over to me, practically tackling me with drunken hugs.

Luckily, Ainsley drags me to the kitchen right away so that I can mix myself a drink. God knows I'm going to need one. I pour healthy splash of vodka into a Solo cup, and after only a brief hesitation, add another splash. I fill the cup with Sprite and make mindless small talk with Ainsley in the kitchen, knowing that every minute is bringing me closer to the hour mark when I can make my excuses and get the hell out of here.

I avoid it for as long as I can, but eventually I'm dragged back into the living room where most of the team is clustered. I plop down on the couch and chat with Jen, barely taking in a word of what she's saying because I am concentrating so hard on pretending to have fun. My face hurts from fake smiling.

The beer pong game ends and I down the rest of my drink so I have an excuse to leave the room. Instead of heading to the kitchen, I veer off down the hallway to the bathroom, which luckily hasn't been barfed in yet. I sit down on the toilet and drop my head in my hands, taking deep breaths to try and release the tension that's tying my stomach up in knots. Fighting the urge to cry, I stand up and splash cold water from the sink on the back of my neck.

When I look in the mirror, I appear calm and relaxed. There are only a few tiny hints that give me away, but they'd only be noticeable to someone who really knows me. Nothing that my teammates, most of whom are half in the bag already, will pick up on. I take a few more deep breaths to prepare myself, summoning my composure.

I have to fight hard for that composure when I open the door and find myself face-to-face with Reid.

**Reid**

A flicker of emotion - Anger? Hurt? - plays across Allie's face before she can control it into the mask she's been wearing since she got here. She might appear happy, but it's not genuine; there's a tightness to her smile and a flatness in her eyes that give her away.

I instinctively take a step backwards and she moves past me wordlessly. I know that this is a chance, maybe my only chance, to make things right and panic grips me as she starts to walk away. Without really knowing what I'm doing, I blurt, "Allie, wait."

She stops and turns, looking at me warily, one brow raised. She doesn't say anything, just stares me down as I clear my throat and struggle to get words out. I'm sweating and my tongue feels like an ineffectual block of cement in my mouth. She's not going to make it easy on me.

Finally I manage to sputter out, "I know you're pissed at me."

She raises both eyebrows now. "I'm not sure  pissed is the right word."

I drop my eyes and stare at the carpet for a second. I force myself to look back at her and say, "I'm sorry. For what I said at The Foxhole. I know I was out of line."

She lets out a little huff of air. "Seriously? That's what you think I'm upset about?"

I'm truly confused now. "What do you mean?"

"Reid, come on," she says, shaking her head at me like I'm an idiot. "Yeah, I felt weird about what you said, but I wasn't mad about it."

"You weren't?" I say, surprised.

"No. I mean, sure, I felt kind of awkward, but I only got angry when you started completely ignoring me. You've been acting like I don't exist! That's why I'm pissed at you!"

Her voice shakes on her last few words and I drop my head again, swallowing hard. I know that what she's saying is true and I hate seeing the hurt flashing in her eyes, barely masked by her anger.

"I'm sorry," I say again. "I just felt like such an idiot for saying what I said, and I didn't know how to fix it, so I just..." My voice trails off and I shrug.

"So you just avoided me," she finishes for me, her voice wavering with anger. "Well, that's shitty and I don't deserve it."

"I know you don't," I say grimly. "I handled it really badly. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry."

For a moment we just stand there, neither of us looking at each other. Finally, I manage to gather enough courage to break the silence. "I know I've been a complete idiot, but is there any way that we can forget all of this happened and go back to being friends? I hate how things are right now."

She raises half her mouth in a smile and nods. "Yeah, I do too."

That small, barely anything smile is what finally allows me to release the tight tension in my chest. "I've really missed being friends with you," I say, looking straight into her eyes almost pleadingly. "I don't want to lose that."

Her smile is almost a real one now, and she looks up at me with such soft vulnerability that I hate myself even more for having hurt her. "I don't either."

"Okay then," I say, exhaling deeply. "So we're cool?"

She nods happily. "We're cool."

"Alright," I say, smiling tentatively back at her.

"Okay, well I'm going to head back," she says slightly awkwardly, turning to go.

I stop her with a hand on her shoulder. "I really am sorry," I say one last time, needing her to know I that I mean it. Needing that awkwardness to disappear once and for all.

Her smile is bright now and she raises an eyebrow at me. "You know, I think you might have mentioned that," she says teasingly. That little bit of laughter in her voice is what finally tells me that we are back to normal.

I laugh and let her go. I have no idea how I managed to fix this, but it's fixed and that's all that matters. I walk into the bathroom feeling a hundred pounds lighter.

**Allie**

The smile stays on my face as I rejoin the group. Reid's apology takes a weight off of my shoulders, and I actually start to enjoy the party. When he comes into the room and immediately joins in with the conversation that I'm having, I feel a warm rush of joy. I hold on to that feeling, letting it insulate me from Rachel's ongoing icy silence.

It's a lot easier to avoid one person than two, and I stop watching the clock for the moment that I can make my exit. I manage to have a good time while keeping a healthy distance from Rachel.

I have to fight to keep the surprise from my face when she makes her way over to where I'm chatting with Ainsley, Sarah, and Reid. Ainsley and I are rejoicing the end of exams and Sarah asks, "Do either of you have any big plans for the holiday break?"

Ainsley shakes her head and I answer, "No, just the typical family stuff."

"Really? I would've thought that you and Gavin would have all sorts of things planned!" Sarah says, almost sounding disappointed. "You two are so adventurous!"

Rachel rolls her eyes and says under her breath, "You have no idea."

I go rigid, heat rising in my cheeks. Of course, I know exactly what she's referring to. I'm hoping against hope that her cryptic remark will pass without comment when Ainsley asks, "What do you mean?"

"Oh nothing," Rachel says, her voice spiteful, "Just the fact that another couple asked Allie and Gavin to have a foursome with them when they were in Greece... and they almost did it."

My insides freeze. I see the shock ripple across the others' faces and I know my own is burning red with humiliation. Rachel looks shocked too, like she can't believe that she actually said it.

I can't believe it either. Can't believe that she'd reveal something so personal, something told in confidence, just because we are in a stupid fight. I look right into her eyes and let her feel the weight of her words, watching her face flush pink with shame. Her mouth opens as if to say something, but no words come out.

I look away from her and my eyes catch Reid's. His face is frozen in an expression of almost comical surprise. I can't imagine what he must be thinking right now. I cringe and flush even deeper.

I'm going to kill Rachel.

**Reid**

Images flash through my head and I'm powerless to stop them. Allie and Gavin. Allie with another girl. Allie and Gavin with another couple.

Allie with me.

I think my head is going to explode.

What Comes Before Part B?

I turned my back to Gavin, his fingers brushing my hair to the side so he could fasten the clasp at my neck. His hands played across my mostly bare back before settling lightly on my shoulders as I studied my reflection in the mirror, adjusting a few curls. "You look gorgeous," he said, bending to kiss my neck. "I almost don't want to let you go alone."

"You know that about five minutes of shmoozing would kill that instinct," I said playfully. Exams were over and it was the annual holiday charity ball held by the law society. Because after busting your ass all semester, who wouldn't want to get all dressed up and spend a night networking? Unfortunately, it was a necessary evil, especially with interviews looming. I had to go and try and make an impression with the firms so I could improve my chances of landing a spot at one of my top choices. Still, I wasn't looking forward to spending an evening getting my fake laugh up for middle aged men making crappy jokes.

Gavin laughed in agreement, rubbing my shoulders gently before dropping his hands. "And you're sure you don't want me to pick you up and drive you to Ainsley's later?" he asked.

I shook my head. "It's going to be a long evening, and I'm just going to make an appearance at Ainsley's. There's no point in you even coming. I'll cab back to your place later, okay?"

"No, no," Gavin said. "I'll come pick you up from there at least. Just text me when you want me to come get you."

"Thanks." I smiled warmly at him over my shoulder. Ainsley's parents were snowbirds who took off to Pheonix for a few months each winter. Left alone in their big beautiful house, she always threw a holiday party before she headed south to join them for Christmas. Usually I looked forward to it, and Gavin and I often shut down the party and crashed at her place. But not this year. Frankly, I was dreading it, and planned on making only a cursory appearance before pleading exhaustion and heading home.

Gavin began to run his hands up and down my bare arms, and I relaxed back into him and sighed, closing my eyes. "I cannot wait to peel you out of this later," he murmured against my hair. Gavin had a weakness for my bare back, and I knew this dress would be a hit with him. From the front, it was fairly demure, black with a high neckline and a skirt that came down almost to knee length. However, the fabric clung to every curve of my body, and the deep diamond- shaped cutout at the back added just enough sexiness to be appropriate for a professional event.

After a few minutes, I pulled away and turned to face him. "We'd better leave now, or I won't go at all!"

Gavin dropped me off at one of the older established hotels in town. The event was taking place in the ballroom, which was a huge, elegant room with high vaulted ceilings hung with massive crystal chandeliers. I grabbed a flute of champagne from a circulating waiter and scanned the crowd for a familiar face.

I spotted Bridget and Lianne across the room, and quickly made my way over. It was still early in the evening, so you could easily pick out the law students in the crowd, hanging out together in little clumps. We would all begin to mingle once the partners had a chance to take advantage of the open bar and become a bit more approachable. For now, the clear divide created a slightly awkward atmosphere that reminded me of boys and girls at opposite sides of a middle school dance.

I chatted with Bridget and Lianne for a while, careful to only take small sips of my champagne. It was good to have a drink in your hand at these things, but you definitely didn't want to get drunk. The partners were the ones here to have fun; we were here to try to make some kind of lasting impression.

After about an hour, the three of us drifted apart and I made my way to the bar for another drink. I was just turning back towards the crowd when I felt a hand settle lightly on my bare lower back. I stiffened and pulled away to face Julian, who was wearing a tailored black suit that probably cost more than six months rent.

He grinned at me. "Nice dress."

"Thank you," I said coolly, looking past him into the crowd, hoping to find a familiar face, or at least someone on their own who I could approach more easily.

"No boyfriend tonight?" Julian asked.

I snorted. "Like I would subject him to this massive display of ass-kissing."

He grinned. "You have such a way with words. Still though," he continued, his voice smooth as his eyes roamed appreciatively over my body. "That is a dangerous dress to be wearing without an escort. I'd better stay close and help you fend off any old guys who try to get handsy."

I laughed in his face. "You must be mistaking me for a gullible first year, if you think I'm falling for that line. I'll take my chances with the old guys," I said drily.

There was a chuckle from behind us and a deep voice said, "Looks like she's got your number, Pierce!"

I spun to face a guy in his late thirties, with dark hair threaded with silver. He clapped Julian on the shoulder, before smiling warmly and sticking his hand out to me. "David Wilton, Chapman Meyers King."

I felt my stomach flutter with nerves. CMK was the one of the biggest firms in the city, and the holy grail as far as most of us were concerned. I willed myself to be cool and professional, and placed my hand in his and shook it firmly. "Alexandra Matheson."

"Well Alexandra, any girl who's smart enough to see through this guy's bullshit is worth knowing," he said, smirking and nodding his head towards Julian.

Julian laughed, not in the least insulted. "Dave is good friends with my older brother," he explained to me. I smiled, and tried to contain my eye roll. Of fucking course. The rest of us would spend all night  ass-kissing in the hope that even one partner would remember our faces, meanwhile Julian was already on a first name basis with guys from CMK. Classic. They probably had an office with his name on the door already.

David leaned in and said in a conspiratorial tone, "I've known Julian since he was about five, and I've got tons of embarrassing stories to share."

I laughed. It was a refreshing change to have an actual human conversation with someone at one of these things. "I'm not sure any story is embarrassing enough to deflate his ego! Trust me, I've tried. It's invulnerable."

Julian grinned. "Yet you continue to make a strong effort. What a work ethic you have!" I almost spat out my drink when he turned to David and said, "Seriously though Dave, Allie is one of the best in our class. CMK would be lucky to have her."

David raised his brows. "High praise." He reached into his pocket and gave me his card. "Give me a call before interview week. You can come in and I'll show you around, get your face in the right people's heads."

I took it and smiled, "Thank you."

David threw his drink back and placed the empty glass on the bar. "I'd better make my rounds," he said. "It was a pleasure to meet you," he said to me, before slapping Julian on the back.

"You too." I couldn't believe my luck! Getting face time at CMK before interviews would be a huge advantage. Anyone would kill for this opportunity. And I owed it to Julian, of all people.

I smiled at him. "Thank you," I said sincerely.

He shrugged. "It was no big deal. I didn't say anything that wasn't true."

My smile turned shy and I felt a blush staining my cheeks. "Well, I really appreciate it."

He looked down at me. "I think this is the first time you've ever really smiled at me." There was a moment where we just stood there, looking at each other. His face was enigmatic without his trademark cocky grin.

I broke the silence and said teasingly, "It's the first time you've ever done anything to merit it!"

I felt the mood lighten as he chuckled. "If only I'd known the trick to melting the ice before now! Some girls like compliments, some girls like jewellery, but no, not you.  The only way to your heart is by networking!"

I rolled my eyes and laughed, drifting off to mingle. I saw a partner that I'd worked under during my summer internship, and she introduced me to a few others in her group. The conversation was surprisingly interesting. I usually felt like such a poser at these events and ended up awkwardly standing off to the side of a group or forcing myself to make small talk, but the encounter with David had leant me confidence and I actually found myself joining in naturally. When I finally made my way to coat check around eleven thirty, it was with a satisfied feeling of knowing I'd made a strong impression.

On my way out, I passed Lianne, who was deep in conversation with several older men. I could tell by the forced smile on her face that she was dying of boredom. I gave her a wave and headed out the ballroom doors to the front of the hotel and pulled out my cell to call a cab.

I was waiting at the doors when a high-pitched giggle caught my attention. I looked behind me and rolled my eyes as I saw Julian coming towards the doors, his hands in the coat of a first year student I recognized vaguely. By the look of her hanging all over him and the constant giggling, she'd definitely been enjoying the open bar. Our eyes met over her head and I raised my eyebrows . "Have a good night," I said, a cynical note in my voice.

"Oh I will," he said, winking at me as he ushered her out the door.

I shook my head at him. Before long, my cab pulled up and I was giving him Ainsley's address. I leaned my head back against the seat, and heaved a deep sigh, fighting the sinking sensation in my stomach that the hard part of the night was just beginning.

*****

Come back tomorrow for Part 2!

Update

The next post is a two parter - one part will be up tonight or tomorrow morning, the next part will be up on Saturday.

Last weekend was my anniversary and my guy surprised me with a trip for our holidays... To PORTUGAL! (I'm spoiled, I know!) We are heading out for three weeks on July 25. I should have access to Wi-Fi, and I'm planning on pre-writing at least one post per week for those weeks. In the past, scheduling the posts hasn't always worked but I will do my best while I'm away to check and make sure the posts go up. If possible, I'll do more than one post per week, it'll just depend on how much I get done before I leave!

Anyways, back to writing! See you soon!

All Kinds of Awkward

Happy Friday everyone! Enjoy your weekend!

*****

Despite my doomsday levels of pessimism, my Tax final didn't go as badly as expected, and I was more than ready to let loose for the weekend. I had one more final on Monday, and it was a pretty easy one, so I gave myself permission to take Friday and Saturday off from studying. 

Gavin and I had made plans to go to a new sushi place for dinner, and I was looking forward to wearing something other than yoga pants and hoodies. I spoiled myself with a much-needed brow and Brazilian wax, and splurged on a sheer, silky camisole that I didn't need, before heading home.

I took a long, luxurious shower, and emerged feeling more energized than I had in weeks. I took my time curling my hair, pinning half of it up, and letting the rest hang down my back, with a few tendrils framing my face. I put on a bit more makeup than usual, accentuating my eyes with a dramatic liner and a few extra coats of mascara. I slipped on my new camisole, my favorite pair of dark jeans, and some classic black heels. I poured myself a glass of wine and fired up Clueless on Netflix  while I waited for Gavin. 

Fifteen minutes later, I buzzed Gavin up. When he knocked, I opened the door and immediately pulled him in for a kiss. I took him by surprise, but after a second, he moaned into my mouth, deepening the kiss and pushing me back against the door. I slipped my hands into his coat and around his waist, running my fingers up his back and down under his waistband. He pulled me into him, and I felt him, already hard. 

He pulled back slightly and smiled down at me. "Well, hi," he said, huskily.

"Hi," I said back sweetly, looking up at him through my lashes.

"Not that I'm complaining, but to what do I owe that greeting?" he said.

"I'm just really happy to see you," I said, rolling my hips up against him. He closed his eyes briefly and dropped his head down to nuzzle my neck. He ran his hands up my back and down over my breasts, cupping them through the thin silk.

"You look fucking incredible," he said, rocking into me. He trailed his tongue up my neck, before covering my mouth with his. 

We made out languidly against the door for a few more minutes, before Gavin pulled back and groaned. "I am more than happy to stay here, devour you, and order a pizza, but if you want to make our reservation, we  better go."

I ran a hand down his chest, before reaching down and playfully grabbing his crotch. "I'll get my coat," I said, sliding out of his grasp.

He laughed, reaching down to adjust his pants. "Oh, you'll pay for that later," he said, in a mock-threatening voice.

The restaurant was very intimate, with low lighting and Japanese screens between the tables. The food was delicious, and Gavin and I destroyed two appetizers and four rolls between us. We were pecking at the last few pieces when Gavin asked, "So what are you up to tomorrow?"

I shrugged. "No plans. What do you feel like doing?"

He cocked his head to the side. "Don't you have a game tomorrow?"

I hesitated, taking a sip of my wine. Ainsley had texted me on Tuesday to ask whether or not I was coming, but I hadn't committed, telling her I was still busy studying. If I had felt less than eager to deal with Reid after our awkward run-in, I was even more reluctant to show up in the face of everything that had gone down with Rachel. I hadn't heard from her all week. I had opened up a message to send to her several times, but I always ended up just staring at the blinking cursor before giving up. If I couldn't even figure out what to say over text, how could I talk to her face to face?

I lifted one shoulder, and simply said, "There's a game, but I don't think I'm going to go."

Gavin frowned. "You missed last week's game too. This isn't like you." He reached over and covered the hand that was fidgeting with my chopsticks. "Is something going on?"

I heaved a deep sigh, before launching into the whole story of what had happened at Derek's birthday. Gavin grimaced when I got to the part about Teo's girlfriend. I glossed over Teo's justification of the breakup, not wanting Gavin to hear the echo of his own words in Teo's. When I reached the end, recounting Rachel's accusations, I was fighting back tears and Gavin was frowning sympathetically. 

"That's terrible, babe," he said, squeezing my hand. "I don't blame you for not wanting to see her."

I nodded, swallowing hard and trying to keep my tears in check. 

"I don't really know what to say. This kind of thing doesn't really happen between guys. But..." he trailed off, like he wasn't sure how I was going to take what he had to say. He took a deep breath and continued, "I don't think that you should let Rachel keep you from doing something that you love. You've had a stressful week, and you could probably use the physical outlet. Don't let her insecure bullshit get in the way of that."

I considered his words. "I know you're right, I just don't even want to deal with it."

 "The longer you leave it, the worse it's gonna get," he said gently, squeezing my hand again. Sensing that my tears were about to fall, he half-smiled and added teasingly, "And besides, when was the last time you backed down from a fight?"

I had to laugh at that, and smiling back at him, I replied, "Pretty much never."

Somehow, Gavin successfully recaptured our playful mood, and it wasn't long before I was running my foot up and down his leg under the table. He caught my foot in his hand and traced slow circles 

around my ankle, teasing me right back. 

"What do you say we get outta here and finish what we started at your place?" he murmured. 

"Mmhmmm," I nodded eagerly at him. 

The next morning, I woke up feeling more like myself. Gavin was right, since when did I cower from a confrontation? My pride and anger fuelled me through the whole morning, and I texted Ainsley to let her know that I'd be there.

I left early, wanting the advantage of arriving first. As I approached the complex, my bravado began to give way to butterflies. I was almost vibrating with nervousness by the time I reached the change room doors. Well, there's no point in turning back now, I thought grimly, and rolling my shoulders back, I pushed the door open.

Luckily, the only ones inside were Josh and Will, both of whom greeted me with warm enthusiasm. I plopped my stuff down and got changed quickly, chatting easily with the two guys. Ainsley, Jen, and several of the others soon arrived, and I began to relax as we all goofed around together. 

I was just tying up my cleats when Sarah pushed the door open. "Hey Allie!" she called out. "We missed you last week!" 

I smiled warmly at her, and braced myself before I looked behind her to Reid. He met my eyes briefly and nodded hello, before dropping his stuff across the change room.

My smile froze and indignation flared inside me. That's it? Are you fucking kidding me? 

I tried to join back into the conversation with Josh and Will, but the congenial mood had been shattered and my smile was brittle, my laugh hollow. I tensed further when Rachel entered the room, and after shooting me a cursory glance, went and sat down next to Reid and Sarah without so much as a hello.

My spine was rigid with anger and I had to force myself to unclench my fists. Luckily, the next person who waltzed in the door provided a welcome distraction. Jay strolled in, and upon seeing me, strolled over and plopped down right beside me. "Well hey, stranger," he said with that cocky half-

grin he wore so well.

"Hey yourself," I replied. And if I noticed Reid's frown or Rachel's icy look from across the room, I didn't let it show. "Long time no see."

"No kidding, Bailosaurus Rex," he said, nudging me with his elbow before casually stripping off his shirt. "I was here last week. Where were you?"

"Studying, unfortunately." I shot him a smile before leaning down to pack up my bag and zip it up. I stood, hanging my bag on the hook and said, "See you out there."

"You know it." He waggled his eyebrows and I giggled as I left the room. 

As we warmed up, Reid and Rachel both gave me a wide berth. It was almost impressive how they both managed to keep themselves as far from me as possible. I wondered how they were going to maintain the silent treatment once we were crammed side by side into the tiny bench. I sure as hell had no plans to hide myself in a corner. 

Jay strolled out casually just as Ainsley called us in for the lineup. I saw Reid shoot him a dirty look as he sidled up to me, but if Jay saw it, he didn't let on. Ainsley called out the forward lines before turning to us and saying, "So Reid and Allie, you guys will start and Rach and Jay will be second out."

Reid nodded in silent acknowledgement of her words, and suddenly I was so damn sick of the charade. "Actually," I interrupted Ainsley. "I have to pee. Why don't Rachel and Reid start, and I'll play on the second line with Jay?"

 I looked up and caught Reid's perplexed frown. I squared my shoulders and stared back calmly, my face impassive before turning to Rachel.

"You don't mind, do you, Rach?" I asked innocently.

She couldn't very well ignore a direct question and she stammered awkwardly, "Yeah, that's fine."

"Hell yeah! All the ladies want a piece," Jay joked. I smiled broadly back at him and headed back towards the change room, breezing right past Rachel and Reid without another word. Screw both of you, I thought bitterly.

I deliberately waited until I heard the whistle for the beginning of the game before returning to the bench. The half passed without incident. Jay and I played well together, if not as seamlessly as Reid and I usually did. On the bench, I joked around with everyone but Rachel and Reid, and both Josh and Jay provided more than enough distraction. After a while, I almost forgot the tension and enjoyed myself. Almost.

At half, Ainsley turned to our end of the bench and asked, "Do you guys want to mix up the lines or keep them the same?"

I answered before anyone else could. "Keep them the same, I think," I said. "Good chemistry out there right now."

"Absolutely," Jay agreed, holding his hand up for a high five. "Dream team!"

I saw a flicker of hurt play across Reid's face, and it gave me a small measure of grim satisfaction. His behaviour was pissing me off even more than Rachel's. Maybe it was because I felt like she was at least partly justified in her anger. There was a grain of truth in her accusations, and that was hard to swallow, but even if I thought she was being a far bigger bitch than necessary, at least I understood why. Reid, on the other hand, was the one who had stepped out of line at The Foxhole. What the hell did he have to be mad about?

My righteous anger carried me through to the end of the game, but I was more than ready to mic drop by the final whistle. After the handshake, I made a beeline for the dressing room. I finished changing while half of the team was still taking off their cleats. I grabbed my bag and stood up to go.

"Drinks upstairs?" Ainsley called out.

Everyone nodded in agreement, but I flashed her an apologetic smile and said, "Sorry! I've got plans with Gavin!" 

I strolled towards the door. As I opened it, I couldn't help myself; I glanced over my shoulder at the corner where Reid and Rachel were sitting. Rachel opened her mouth as if to say something, then flushed and dropped her gaze. But Reid's eyes met mine and held. His jaw was set and he looked at me almost defiantly, before finally turning away. 

I stalked out the door and to my car. My hands were shaking as I slid behind the wheel and I fumbled with my keys. 

I wasn't one to back down from a fight, and I sure as hell wasn't one to let someone see how bad they had hurt me. But I was hurt. And as I pulled out of the lot and drove home, I stopped fighting it. When there was no one left to see it, I finally gave in and let the tears roll down my face.  

Pleasantly Surprised

I hope you all had an amazing Fourth! I took a few extra days off and am feeling nice and refreshed for my two-day work week. This post is a return to Allie's storyline, and the next one will be up sometime between tomorrow and Saturday night!

*****

I awoke the next morning to my phone buzzing loudly somewhere in the general vicinity of my left ear. I groaned and turned over, clawing around in my bedding to try and put both me and the phone out of our misery. My hand finally fell on it, and I swiped the screen without even looking, closing my eyes and falling back against the pillows. "Hello?" I rasped.

"Kill me," Rhiannon's voice groaned into my ear. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Before you say anything, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I did try to get you to leave with me," I said.

"Shut up and kill me," she whined again.

I sighed. "What happened?"

"I fucking slept with Eric is what happened. With ERIC," she repeated, for emphasis.

I laughed again, then felt a pang of guilt as I remembered the look on Rachel's face the night before. I tried to be charitable. "He's not so bad. You could've done much worse."

Rhiannon snorted. "You hate him. You have called him the OG douchebag. Repeatedly."

 "I don't hate him," I said half-heartedly. I sighed deeply, rubbing a hand over my face. It was too early for this. "We only ever see him in a group, and I'm sure he's way different one on one. I mean, if you like him..."

Her incredulous laugh cut me off. "Like him?! What are you talking about? Do I have the wrong number? Who is this?"

"You're hilarious," I said dryly. So much for that. Guess nice just isn't my colour. "I take it that it wasn't a love connection then?"

"Definitely not," she said with disdain. "I was reeling over the whole Teo thing, and I just needed a distraction. Total rebound."

"Makes sense." I paused before venturing, "Speaking of Teo -"

Rhi cut me off sharply. "I don't want to talk about it." She exhaled deeply, and when she spoke again, her tone was softer. "Sorry Al, I'm just not ready to dive into that clusterfuck right now."

"All good, I get it." I said, and then changed the subject mischievously, "Sooooooooo, how was it?"

She laughed. "Well, from what I remember, it was good. Really good, actually. Although I was wasted, so we're kind of grading on a curve."

"Well that's something," I said. "Go Eric."

"Yeah," she said, laughing again. "I was pleasantly surprised. He didn't even try to sneak out while I was sleeping, or pull some other asshole maneuver this morning when we woke up. He was actually very cool about the whole thing. He even offered to make coffee before I tossed him out on his ass."

"Really? That's impressive." Rhiannon made a skeptical sound and I corrected myself, "Okay, not impressive, but good. Solid. I dunno, he doesn't completely suck, right?"

"Gee, how reassuring," she said sarcastically.

"I'm doing my best! I'm barely functional right now, work with me here," I protested jokingly.

"Oh God, I hear you. I feel like death." There was silence on the other end, and then Rhiannon took a deep breath. "There's one more thing," she said in a slightly embarrassed voice.

"What?" I asked, amused.

She exhaled deeply, before saying, "I may have agreed to go out with him on Friday."

I laughed out loud. "How the hell did that happen?"

"I dunno, we woke up and he was being all nice, and I was so embarrassed and awkward, and I really just wanted him to leave, and so when he asked if he could see me again, I said sure." She groaned. "I was under duress! It doesn't count!"

"Yeah well, I think it's a little late for take-backsies," I teased.

"You have made your amusement clear. Be helpful now, please!"

I smothered a laugh, and then sighed.

Rhi waited a beat before asking, "Are you judging me right now?"

I snorted. "Definitely not. Do you not remember Single Allie? I slept with a guy wearing a pirate costume once. And it was not Halloween. You do not even know the meaning of shame."

"Oh yeah, Pirate Guy," she said fondly. "I forgot about him."

"Well, Eric is no Pirate Guy," I said. "Actually, he's a pretty good catch."

"What is with you right now? Have you been drinking the Lisa Frank Kool-Aid? You're all rainbows and unicorns and it's weirding me the fuck out. Just give me your honest opinion."

I sighed, "Honestly Rhi, why not go out with him? Like you said, you're in rebound mode, and Eric, despite his other qualities, is hot and funny. I bet you'd have fun with him." She didn't say anything, so I continued. "Do whatever you want to do. But it's just one date. It's not like you have to marry the guy, right? And it might be nice to get back out there."

After a beat, she replied, "Yeah, I guess." She let out a surprised laugh. "Wow, I can't believe you, of all people, just talked me into going out with Eric."

The irony did not escape me. "Trust me," I said, wryly, "I find it hard to believe myself."

*****

Finals had arrived, and I was basically spending any free moments I had holed up in the library, studying. The fact that job interviews were right around the corner made this round of finals especially stressful. That stress, combined with the recent mindfucks in my life, made it hard to sleep, and the effects were starting to show. By mid-week, I was basically grumpy and exhausted all the time, and I was starting to resemble the Cryptkeeper.

Bridget and I were studying together in the library on Thursday afternoon. We each had our last final of the week the following morning. For the most part, I had taken my harder classes in second year, but Tax Law had been killing me all semester, and my brain was feeling like complete mush. The only thing keeping me going was the knowledge that a two day break was coming, and the fact that I'd been mainlining Starbucks since 8 AM.

I was re-reading an especially complex section of my notes for what felt like the hundredth time when someone slid into the empty seat next to me. The familiar scent of expensive cologne tickled my nose and I sighed, before turning to acknowledge Julian briefly.

"Hey Bridge, Alexandra," he said smoothly.

"Hey," Bridget replied, "All done your finals for the week?"

He leaned back in his chair. "I have Torts tomorrow, but it's a cake walk. I actually came to see if you guys wanted to take a break and grab a drink."

I blinked at him in scornful disbelief, before turning back to my notes.

"I take it you're gonna pass, then?" he said teasingly.

"Allie has her Tax final tomorrow," Bridge said in a sympathetic voice.

Julian laughed. "Oh God, how badly do you want to die right now?"

I turned to him and raised one eyebrow. "At this moment? Desperately."

"Well you guys should take a break," he announced, ignoring my jibe and slapping his hands on his legs. "Come have a drink, and then you'll be refreshed and ready to hit the books again."

Bridget tilted her head to the side and raised her brows like she was considering it. I let out a short laugh, shaking my head, and said, "Sorry, I actually have to do well on my exams. Mommy and Daddy can't just snap their fingers and get me whatever job I want."

If I had hoped to take Julian down a peg, I completely missed my mark. He simply laughed and patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry, if this whole law school thing doesn't work out, you can always marry rich. I'll hook you up with a sugar daddy." He bent, giving me an assessing look. "Although, you may wanna clean yourself up a bit. You look like shit."

I knew he was joking (even Julian's not that big of an ass), but I just didn't have it in me to make a stinging comeback. I was way too exhausted for one of our verbal sparring matches. Plus, I knew he was right; I did look like shit, and I felt like shit, too. I simply sighed and looked back down at my notes.

I could feel Julian's eyes on me as he worked on Bridget, but I stared resolutely at my page, willing him to leave. Bridget wavered for a few more minutes before electing to stay with me and grind out a few more hours of studying. I sent a silent thank you up to the heavens when he finally gave up and slid out of the chair.

I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder, and when I ignored it, Julian tipped my chin up to look him in the face. To my surprise, he looked genuinely contrite. "Hey," he said in a low voice, "I was just kidding, Allie. I didn't mean to like, hurt your feelings."

I pulled my chin out of his grip, uncomfortable. After the last two years, I knew how to handle any shade of obnoxious that Julian threw my way, but this sincerity? I had no clue how to take it. "It's cool," I said, shrugging with a lightness I didn't feel. "I'm just tired, and not feeling especially witty. Don't worry, I'll burn you twice as hard next time to make up for it."

He laughed. "There's the girl who loves to hate me! I'll hold you to that. It's only fun when you fight back."

I rolled my eyes at him, and he grinned, before turning to go. As he walked away, he tossed over his shoulder, "Good luck on your exams, try-hards. Alexandra, I look forward to doing battle with you!"

We both laughed, and Bridget nudged me me with her shoulder. "See?" she said, brows raised. "He's not completely terrible."

I nodded, conceding the point. "Not completely," I agreed. I turned back to my notes, feeling slightly less disheartened. After all of the unexpected ugliness with Reid, Teo, and Rachel, it sure was nice to be pleasantly surprised.

Reid: It's Okay

Thank you guys so much for your patience! I was going to split this into two posts, but the words kept flowing and so I just went with it! Take this long one as a thank you for putting up with schedule changes and late posts! You're the best!

*****

If dating Jasmine had been a dream, then the early days with Sarah were heaven. I had never met anyone like her before. Despite the fact that she was two years older than I was, she was incredibly innocent; it was like her world had never been tainted with any ugliness. I was intoxicated by her sunny optimism and sweet naïveté. Being around her was like catching hold of the carefree childhood I never had. Whenever I was with her, I felt lighter, as if my family was a burden she could physically lift from my shoulders.

The more I got to know her, the more I wanted to be around her. I could lay with her on her narrow single bed for hours, listening to her talk about her microbiology classes, the research internship she was gunning for, her roommate's quirky housekeeping habits. I was fascinated by her. I couldn't believe that someone this pure, this sweet, this beautiful could exist... Or that she'd want to be with me.

Don't fuck it up, I told myself the very first time I saw Sarah. Those words became a constant refrain in my head. I was head over heels for Sarah, and I was determined that nothing was going to screw it up, especially not my shitty family situation. Luckily, Sarah was so ambitious and driven with school that we only saw each other twice a week, which made it really easy to keep up with Marley's activities and commitments. She also had a fairly spacious off-campus apartment that she shared with a roommate and we mostly hung out there. I had told her that my roommate situation was really sketchy, which it was... I just failed to mention that my roommates were my parents. My dirty little secret was going to stay buried as long as possible.

But of course, life just doesn't work that way.

About four months in, we were out for dinner one Saturday night when I got a call on my cell. I ignored it without even checking the caller ID. When it rang again and again, nonstop for several minutes, I excused myself and hustled to the lobby, eager to get rid of my persistent caller (most likely Jay harassing me to go get drunk) and get back to dinner with Sarah.

I pulled my phone out from my pocket and my stomach dropped. I had eight missed calls from Home.

I flipped my phone open and called back, my heart pounding out of my chest. It rang once and then was picked up, and I heard Marley's quavering voice ask, "Hello?"

"It's me Mar." My voice was low and soothing, completely at odds with my insides, which were in complete turmoil. "What's wrong?"

"It's Mom," she said tearfully.

I felt bile rise in my throat. "What's going on? What is she doing?"

"I don't know what hap-happened," Marley hiccuped, beginning to cry in earnest now. "I woke up and she was digging through all of this old stuff in the closet, and she said she was look-looking for a scrapbook. I tried to help her, and I acc-accidentally knocked over a vase, and it broke, and she just started screaming at me and calling me n-names and I don't know what to do -" The words that had been tumbling out came to an abrupt stop as Marley took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Where's Dad?" I asked. Listening closely, I could hear the muted sounds of screaming, a few muffled thumps and bangs. Medusa Mom.

"I don't know. He's not here." Her voice broke over the words and my heart broke with it. "I'm in my room. I'm scared, Reid. Can you please come home?"

I swallowed hard, my jaw clenched with fury. I shoved it down just long enough to squeeze the words out. "I'll be right there, Marsbar. Just stay in your room and lock the door, okay? It's gonna be okay. I'll be right there."

I hung up the phone and strode to the table as quickly as I could. Sarah looked up, and her face crumpled with concern at the look on my face. "Are you okay?" she asked.

I was already grabbing my jacket. "I'm so so sorry about this, but I have to go. There's an emergency and I have to leave right now."

She blinked. "What kind of emergency? Is somebody hurt?"

"I'm sorry, I really can't explain right now," I said pleadingly. You'refuckingitupyou'refuckingitupyou'refuckingitup played on repeat as I looked into her eyes and tossed some cash on the table. "This should cover dinner and a cab ride back to your place. I'm so so sorry, but I really have to go." I dropped a kiss on her mouth. "I'll call you tomorrow."

I didn't even look back as I wound around all of the tables, almost shoving people out of the way in my haste. Thankfully, the restaurant was fairly close to my house. If I hurry, I can get there within ten minutes, I told myself. She can't do too much damage in under ten minutes. But my stomach continued to twist and churn. I knew all too well that my mom was capable of tearing the house to pieces within seconds.

I was pulling open the car door when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun to face Sarah, her eyes wide with worry. "I'll come with you," she said. "I want to help."

I shook her off. "You can't."

Sarah fell back, wounded. She looked like a puppy that had just been kicked. I ran a hand over my face. My mind was torn in two directions. I knew I needed to salvage this situation, but I was ever conscious of the seconds ticking by and Marley, cowering in her room, terrified. "I just... It's just... I mean..." I stumbled over the words, before finally settling on, "I'm going into a very bad situation and I don't want you to have to see it."

She softened, stepping closer again, her hand back on my arm. "Please," she said softly, "I want to help."

My mind spiralled into panic. There was no way I could drop Sarah off first; her place was in the opposite direction. I knew bringing her with me was a sure fire way to fuck the whole thing up, but I was out of time and Marley needed me.

"Okay," I said, "Let's go."

The car ride was silent. My knuckles were white on the steering wheel as I pushed the speeding limit, weaving through traffic and hurtling down the suburban streets. Sarah didn't say a word, her eyes huge and fearful as she took in my crazy driving, my jaw rigid with tension, my eyes glistening with angry tears. I wanted to say something, anything, but I felt like there was a cement block in my throat.

The car screeched to a halt in front of my house nine minutes later. "Stay here," I said firmly to Sarah, before hopping out and sprinting up the driveway. I slammed the door open and right away took in my mom,  rocking back and forth in the middle of the living room, wearing a ratty old housecoat, half of her face covered in makeup that was running down her cheeks as she sobbed. I went over and hoisted her up by her armpits. She screamed and tried to fight me off, her fists pounding weakly at my chest. I wrapped my arms around hers, pinning them to her sides, until she finally gave in, her face sinking into my shoulder, her thin body wracking with sobs.

I lifted her up and carried her into her bedroom. She was as frail and delicate as a china doll, and I laid her gingerly on the bed, pulling the covers up gently like I'd seen my dad do a million times before. I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing her back until her heaving sobs faded into occasional hiccups.

I crept out of the room, turning back to look at my mom as I closed the door. She was laying on her side, eyes glassy, staring off into nothingness.

I turned and walked down the short hallway to Marley's room. I knocked gently and called softly, "Mar, it's me."

The door was immediately thrown open and Marley launched herself into my arms, tears on her face. "I was so scared," she said, her voice muffled as she buried her head into my chest.

"I know, I know," I whispered back soothingly. "It's okay now, it's okay."

I gently pushed her back and looked into her face. "I need you to do something, okay?"

She nodded.

"I need you to pack up some clothes. Enough for a week, okay? That's seven of everything: shirts, pants, and underwear. Bring some of your favourite stuff too. Your teddy and some of your books. Okay?"

She nodded again. "But where are we going?"

"To grandma and grandpa's. I'll go get you a bag," I was already turning out of her bedroom, striding down the hall to the basement stairs. I went down and grabbed a duffel bag. As I came back up the stairs, I paused, taking in the wreckage in the hallway. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall, my hands shaking. I took a few deep breaths, trying to push away the knowledge of what could have happened. Of what almost happened.

I rolled my shoulders back, wiping my face free of any stress as I came back into Marley's room. "Almost ready, Marsbar?" I asked, willing my voice not to shake.

"Yup!" She smiled weakly at me.

I tossed the bag onto her bed and started piling the clothes she'd picked out into it. It was half full when I heard the front door open and close. There were footsteps in the hallway and when they came to a stop, I turned and faced my dad. My whole body clenched with fury.

"What's going on?" he asked. "What happened?"

"What do you think happened?" I spat at him, my voice laced with contemptuous anger.

He leaned against the doorjamb and sighed. "Why are you packing?"

"Marley and I are going to Grandma and Grandpa's," I said shortly, turning back to finish tossing Marley's stuff in the bag. I zipped it up and faced him again.

"You can't make that decision, Reid," he started to say. I cut him off, turning to Marley.

"Go wait in my car, okay kiddo?" Her eyes flickered between me and my dad, before she nodded, scooting past him out the door. I listened for the sound of the front door closing, and then slung the bag over my shoulder and turned back to my dad. We faced each other like two lions about to fight to the death.

My dad finally broke the silence.

"You are not her parent, Reid. You do not get to pack her up and ship her off -" his voice rose in mounting anger.

I choked out a bitter laugh. "And who is the parent around here? You? Mom? That's a fucking joke."

He stepped towards me, his face reddening. "Don't you dare talk to me like that!"

"How could you leave her here alone with mom?" I hissed through my teeth. "What the fuck were you thinking? She was terrified, and she should have been! Anything could have happened! What is wrong with you?"

"Stop it!" he thundered.

"She doesn't deserve this. I'm taking her to Grandma and Grandpa's and I'll be back for the rest of her stuff tomorrow." I started to step around him, and he moved to block my path. Without even thinking, I pushed past, shoving him sideways. He flew into the wall, hitting a picture frame so hard that it fell to the ground and broke. For a moment we stared at each other, stunned. He looked at me, rubbing his shoulder. I realized suddenly that my mom wasn't the only one who had become old and frail.

"You can't just take her," he said, his voice hoarse.

My resolve hardened. "She is not going to live the way I did. I will do whatever I have to, to keep her safe."

He shook his head helplessly, and I felt pity and contempt mix together in my gut. "She needs a mother," he said, a pleading note creeping into his voice.

"Then why don't you go find her one," I said coldly. His shoulders crumpled, and his eyes dropped to the floor. I turned to walk out the door and froze. Sarah was standing on the other side of the screen door, her face shocked.

I wanted to puke. The thought of her witnessing any of this uglyness sickened me, but there was nothing that I could do about it now. It was all fucked now. I set my jaw and continued walking to the door. I stepped out beside Sarah and said as calmly as I could, "Let's go."

We climbed into the car. Nobody said a word as I backed out of the driveway. My headlights flashed across the house and lit upon my dad, standing in the doorway watching us go, his posture slumped, defeated.

"Isn't Dad coming with us?" Marley asked.

"Not this time, kiddo," I said.

"Oh," she said softly. I hated the look of grim understanding on her face. I wished I could erase the whole night from her memory. Anger rose inside me, and I wanted to beat the living hell out of my dad, and myself, for not being careful enough.

We were quiet again for a moment, before Marley turned to Sarah and asked innocently, "Who are you?"

Sarah laughed awkwardly. "I'm your brother's..." she trailed off uncomfortably. A few hours ago, she would've said "girlfriend" without hesitation. But it's not like I could blame her.

I let her off the hook. "This is my friend, Sarah. Sarah, this is my little sister, Marley."

"Nice to meet you," Marley said sweetly.

"You too," Sarah smiled weakly over her shoulder.

The awkwardness was so palpable that I wanted to scream. Instead, I turned to Sarah and said, "I just have to drop Marley off, and then I'll take you home." She nodded, and we lapsed into silence once more.

We pulled up in front of my grandparents' house and Marley hopped out, calling, "Bye!" over her shoulder to Sarah. I got out and walked up behind her to the doorway where my grandma was standing, as if she'd been waiting for us all along.

At my questioning look, she said, "Your dad called and told us you were coming."

I felt a sharp pang of something like guilt, but I shook it off and simply said, "I'll be right back. I just have to take care of something."

My grandma looked behind me to where Sarah was sitting in the car. She smiled sadly at me. "My little boy is all grown up," she said, patting my cheek before stepping back into the house.

As I drove Sarah back to her apartment, I tried to fight the fury rising inside of me. I looked at Sarah, who was resolutely staring out the window. I am never going to be happy, I thought to myself. I am never going to be free of this.

I finally pulled up outside of her place. She turned to face me, her eyes wet with tears. She opened her mouth to speak, but I interrupted her.

"You don't have to say anything. It's fine, I get it." I stared down at the steering wheel. I waited for her to get out, but she didn't. After a minute, I looked over at her. She was just looking at me with the saddest expression on her face. She moved to lay a hand on my shoulder, but I pulled back. I didn't want her pity. I didn't want to be a broken little boy for her to fix.

"Reid," she whispered, shaking her head. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I laughed, leaning my head back against the headrest. "There isn't ever a good time to bring up your colossally fucked up family in conversation. It's not exactly the stuff dreams are made of."

She laid her hand on my shoulder again. I tried to pull away but she held on firmly. "Reid," she said again, shakily, tears streaming freely down her face now.

"What?" I croaked.

She stared into my eyes, her gaze shining with sincerity. "I don't need a dream. I don't want a perfect fantasy. I want you. All of you. Even the colossally fucked up parts. Don't you get that?"

I shook my head. "You don't deserve to deal with this. I don't want to bring you into it."

I would have turned away, but she grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. "Listen to me," she said, her voice growing stronger. "I am not going anywhere. Stop pushing me away and telling yourself it's for my own good. I can handle this."

"Oh yeah?" I shot back. "Then why are you crying right now?"

I expected her to pull back, to jump out of the car, to snap back at me. But instead, she cupped my face gently in her hands and said, "Because I love you. And it hurts me to see you hurt."

All of my bravado shattered at her soft words. My lip trembled, and I closed my eyes tightly to ward off the tears. But I couldn't hold them back. They pushed out of my eyes and ran down my face. Sarah's arms came around me, she ran her hands in soothing circles over my back.

I gave into it completely then, burying my face into her neck, my shoulders shuddering with sobs. She turned her head and kissed my tears, murmuring softly into my ear. For once, I wasn't the strong one. For once, I was the one falling apart. And for once, I wasn't the one saying, "It's okay."