Enough

Hey guys, sorry for going MIA on you. I had some pretty terrible stuff go down in my personal life and I've just been trying to put one foot in front of the other. I've been a reader on enough blogs to know how crappy it is when bloggers just disappear though, so I'm sorry for ghosting. If it happens again, I'll post an update. 

I'm already almost finished the next post, and I will try to get it up as a bonus this week. If not, it'll be next Saturday's post.

Thanks for reading, and sticking by me even when I suck!

*****

I read over Gavin's text again, its meaning finally sinking in. I felt tears begin to build behind my eyes. In that moment, it seemed utterly ridiculous that I was finding out about a major life development via a text message while prepping for a fake court case. I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to be with Gavin. I stood up, began gathering my stuff, and blurted, "I have to go!"

"Allie, what's wrong?" Bridget laid a hand in my arm, concern etched all over her face. Her tone made me realize how manic I looked to her and the others, whose expressions ranged from concerned to confused.

I took a deep breath and forced a smile, while continuing to ram all of my shit into my bag. I took advantage of the momentary shock to steal one of Julian's fancy pens. "Nothing's wrong. Something just came up and I really have to go." I slung my packed bag over my shoulder, and  headed for the door. "See you tomorrow!" I called over my shoulder.

"It's finally happened," I heard Julian say as I pulled the door closed behind me. "She's cracked."

I fought back my tears as I drove to Gavin's apartment. I let myself into the building, and headed upstairs, not bothering with the elevator. As I knocked on the door, I realized that I had no idea what I was walking into. Would Gavin be angry with me? Cold? I felt indecision flare inside of me, and for the first time since reading his text, I questioned whether I had made a mistake by showing up. I had no idea what I was walking into.

The door opened. Gavin stood in the doorway. For a moment we just stood there, looking at each other. He didn't look angry, or resentful, or even surprised to see me. It was almost as if he'd been expecting me to come.

I took a deep, shuddering breath, and opened my mouth as if to say something. But I couldn't get any words out. The distance between us felt so palpable, and that realization struck me like an ice pick to the sternum. My face crumpled, and finally, the tears that I'd been fighting began to fall.

Gavin reached over and drew me into his arms. I buried my face into his neck and sobbed. For a long time, we just stood there, holding each other in his doorway. When I finally lifted my face to look into his, I saw that his eyes were shining with tears too.

"Come on," he said softly. "Let's go to bed."

Wordlessly, I followed him into his bedroom. We stripped off our clothes, and slid between the sheets. I rested my head onto Gavin's chest, and he began rhythmically stroking my hair. The roller coaster emotions of the week caught up with me, and I finally gave in to exhaustion and slept.

*****

The next morning, I woke up with my limbs completely tangled up with Gavin's.
I gently extricated myself, got dressed, and slipped into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. The time on the oven showed me I had no chance of making it to my first class, but I felt no sense of urgency. Frankly, I was just too drained to care. I rested my hip against the counter and listened to the coffee drip into the pot. When it was ready, I poured a cup and curled up on Gavin's couch.

I nursed the coffee slowly, as I contemplated the previous night. I wasn't entirely sure why I had broken down like that. I started to think that it was less related to my disappointment over the house, and more about the fact that no matter how thin I stretched myself, I always seemed to be coming up short somewhere.

The facts were, I had most of a school year left. One that was going to carry the additional stress of trying to procure a job after graduation. Not to mention that if I did get a job, the firm was basically going to own my life for at least the first few years.     If Gavin was already frustrated and resentful of how much of my time was being eaten away by law school, what hope in hell did we have of making it through the next few years? I heaved a deep sigh, closing my eyes, and dropping my head back against the couch cushion.

A little while later, Gavin made his way into the living room. I drank in the sight of him, dreamy and half-asleep: blonde hair sticking up on one side, his face scrunched up and sleepy. I felt a surge of tenderness towards him in his vulnerable state.

"Morning," he said with a yawn, plopping down beside me and lying his head in my lap.

I knew that we hadn't resolved anything the night before. I knew that we had some big questions and hard conversations ahead of us. But in that moment, much like the night before, all I wanted was to lay there and just be with Gavin. For now, the rest of it could wait. For now, this was enough.