An Explanation

Hey guys,

First of all, I'm sorry for going MIA. You guys have been a great readerbase and I know it sucks to be left high and dry.

I've really wrestled with whether to write this post or to just let the blog die rather than open this window into my personal life. The thing is, this blog brought me a lot of joy, and right now I'm trying to reconnect to the things in my life that make me feel happy. However, to do that, I feel like I need to offer you an explanation.

So here goes:

Before my boyfriend and I left for Portugal, we got some really exciting news: I found out that I was pregnant. It wasn't exactly planned, but once we recovered from the surprise we were really excited about it, and the trip seemed like an excellent way to celebrate.

The morning sickness and exhaustion got more intense during the trip and while they didn't detract from my enjoyment, I was definitely passing out by like 9 PM every night. This was also part of the reason why some of the posts were late, although I'll admit that just enjoying the trip factored in to that, too.

That trip was honestly just so amazing. The two of us were just wrapped up in our little bliss bubble and I can't even describe how happy we were.

The trip back was a bit rough. Over 20 hours of travel time is unpleasant in any circumstances, and that was compounded by being tired and nauseated.

When we got back, things were so crazy with cleaning up the house and getting ready to go back to work. I guess that I was stressed, tired, and generally pretty distracted. I went grocery shopping a few days after we got back, and on my way home, I got in a car accident. Nothing major, very little damage and no one was seriously injured, but I started having cramping and bleeding later that day. I went to the hospital and they confirmed that I was miscarrying.

I actually can't explain how devastated I have been by losing the baby. I barely got out of bed for a week afterwards, and after that, really only left my house to go to work. I have been miserable to be around and known it and still been unable to do anything about it. My friends and family have all tried to help, and I've basically been shutting them out. It's only in the last two weeks that I've started to feel even remotely like myself again.

I know that many women go through this, that it happens more often than I think, and that there's no way of even knowing if the car accident is what caused it or if it was just not meant to be, but I have a lot of guilt about it. There is a lot of stuff that I'm carrying and that I have to work through to get past this. I'm working really hard to focus on the positive right now. Part of that is, as I mentioned, reconnecting to the things that make me happy.

Which brings me to the blog. Writing has always been an escape, and I'm hopeful that it can be one again. Having said that, writing is for me a very introspective process, and introspection right now is difficult and painful. I really want to come back, but I just can't make a promise about when that will be. Among other things, I've lost the thread of the story in my mind and need to get the feel of it again.

I guess I will just post a return date as soon as I know when that is. I'm really sorry that I can't be more definite. All I can promise right now is that I will try. I hope you guys understand.

Lastly, thank you all for your support over the last month. I literally haven't even checked the blog once until last night. When I saw the amount of comments, I almost just deleted them without reading them, because I couldn't handle any negativity. When I finally steeled myself to face it, I couldn't believe the messages of support and concern. I really appreciate it. It made this incredibly hard post a little bit easier to write.

Anyways, that's all I've got for right now. I hope to write to you all soon. Take care.

Next post...

... Will be up tomorrow!

We got in last night and let's just say my boyfrind's brother has a very different understanding of what "clean" means. I have been scrubbing out my fridge for the last hour.

Anyway, I'll work on the post tomorrow AM, and it should be up by tomorrow night!

EDIT: Sorry guys, I started doing some work stuff and the day got away from me. I'm back at work tomorrow, but I'll try to finish the post when I get home. Sorry again!

Judgement Day

I woke up the next morning feeling slightly disoriented. I blinked a few times, taking in Rhiannon's sleeping body next to me, and the events of the night before slowly trickled back in. I closed my eyes, wanting to crawl in a hole and die.

I slid out from between the sheets and went out to my tiny kitchen, easing the bedroom door closed behind me so I wouldn't wake Rhi. Coffee was going to be a necessary step in processing this clusterfuck.

When it was ready, I grabbed a mug and curled up on my couch. I forced myself to rip the bandaid off and face every piece of the night baldly, no rose-coloured glasses. My stomach twisted when I thought about what Reid had told me about his mom, and by the time I got to our weird not-quite-but-almost-suggestion-of-a-kiss, I felt like I was going to throw up.

I almost kissed a married guy last night. 

I felt hot tears of shame well up in my eyes. I was a flirtatious person and always had been, but I'd never found myself in the kind of position I'd gotten into the night before. A heartbeat away from cheating.

But you didn't cheat! A small, comforting voice inside me insisted. Nothing ACTUALLY happened.

But it could've happened, I thought to myself grimly. And in that moment, I wanted it to happen.

Gavin and Sarah's faces popped into my head, and then I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I heard my bedroom door open, and I swiped the tears away, turning my face in the opposite direction.

"Morning sunshine! There's coffee in the pot," I said, attempting to infuse some cheer into my voice.

"Thank God," Rhi groaned, shuffling over to pour herself a cup.

By the time she plopped down next to me on the couch, I was as close an approximation to normal as I was going to get.

Rhi tossed me her phone, and said, "Look what I woke up to this morning."

I unlocked her screen, and saw a string of messages from between midnight and 3 AM. All of them from Eric.

Hey, hope you're having a fun night!

Where did you and Allie end up going again?

Let me know if you need a ride later.

Hope you got home OK!

Seriously! Is he made of Saran-wrap? Because he's clingy as fuck!"

"I don't know if I'd say clingy," I reasoned. "I just think that he is hoping for things to go somewhere and is trying to nudge them in that direction."

Rhi groaned and flopped her head back against the couch. "I do not want a relationship right now. I just wanted a fun, harmless fling! I thought Eric was a safe bet! Now he's wrecking the whole thing!"

I laughed. "Poor Rhi, can't help but make even the biggest player fall in love."

She whacked me with a throw pillow. "Shut up!"

"Well as a wise woman once said to me," I went on in a teasing voice, "you have to have the hard conversation."

Rhi smirked at the irony. "What asshole sold you that bullshit sandwich? That is clearly terrible advice. Ghosting is obviously the only solution in this situation."

I snorted. "Definitely the most mature approach."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You know I'd never do that." She sighed before adding, "I guess it has to be dealt with. Can't avoid it forever."

Her words seemed to conjure up the events of the night before. The silence that followed in the wake of her words was heavy with tension.

I stared into my mug. After the night before, I owed a few people an apology, but Rhi was the only one I could actually make amends with. I took a deep breath, and said, "About last night..."

Rhi studied me warily over the rim of her mug, waiting for me to continue.

I grimaced. "You were right. I was being a complete idiot. I'm sorry for being such a bitch."

"I wasn't trying to be judgemental," Rhi said quietly. "I was just worried about you."

That made me feel even worse. "I know," I said softly.

"Maybe I overreacted," Rhiannon went on. "I just looked over and saw you guys, and all I could think about was Teo and that girl."

My face froze. Rhiannon hadn't so much as said Matteo's name since the morning after we'd seen him. I hadn't pushed it, trying to respect her processing time.

She exhaled deeply. "Having someone make promises to you, build a whole life with you, and then just betray you like that, just toss you aside for someone else... It hurts so bad, Allie. You're my best friend and I have your back no matter what, but..." she trailed off, before flicking her eyes up to mine. "I would hate it if you did to someone what Teo and that girl did to me."

I nodded dumbly, swallowing down the lump that rose in my throat. "I would never want to be that person," I said shakily. "I think that's why I got so defensive last night. I knew that I crossed a line."

"Well, you weren't the only one that crossed the line, Allie," Rhi said reproachfully. "He's just as much to blame, if not more. From where I was standing, he reached for you."

I shrugged, heat rising in my face. I couldn't allow myself to linger on thoughts of Reid's hands on me. Of the want in his eyes as they'd roved over my face. Those thoughts led to dangerous places.

I physically shook the images away and hardened my resolve. "I don't care about whose fault it was. I just have to make sure that it doesn't happen again."

Holiday Hangover - Part 2

Hey guys sorry about the late post. Not sure if you're up on your Portugal news, but the crazy fires here have really screwed things up. We were supposed to go down south but the fires moved that way. On the train Wednesday, we passed like five different fires, it was crazy. We got freaked out and ended up hopping out to go back north, which meant scrambling to find accommodations at the last minute. Not that I'm complaining; people here have lost their homes and even died, which is truly tragic and obviously a far greater problem than disrupted vacation plans. 

Anyways, we worked things out and are actually going to be in one place for a few days, so there will be another post up tomorrow, I promise promise promise! I also fleshed this one out a bit so it's a little meatier than it was originally. See you again tomorrow!

*****

"Hey," I said back shyly. I resisted the urge to break eye contact, but couldn't help the flush that rose under Reid's warm gaze.

Luckily, Rhiannon provided me with a welcome distraction as she leaned in front of me. "Since Allie seems to have forgotten her manners," she said, nudging me with her elbow before extending her hand. "I'm Rhiannon."

"Reid," he said, shaking her hand briefly. He pointed a thumb at Jay. "And this questionable individual is Jay."

Rhiannon smiled knowingly. "I've heard stories."

Jay grinned devilishly. "Only good things, I'm sure."

"If you say so," Rhi teased back with raised brows.

"Let's get you a drink and maybe you can tell me a few of your stories then," Jay parried smoothly.

Rhi flashed him a smile and they moved down the bar towards the bartender. Leaving me to Reid, who wore an expression of resigned amusement. He nodded towards Rhi and Jay and commented drily, "You may want to keep an eye on your friend. Jay has her in his sights."

I laughed. "I'm not worried. Rhiannon can handle him." Rhi may have been out of the game for a while, but she wasn't naive enough to take his attention as anything other than what it was. I could tell she found his blatantly flirty banter as harmlessly entertaining as I did.

We leant back on the bar in companionable silence for a few moments. "Did you have a good Christmas?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "It was fine. We went out to Sarah's parents' place and did the usual dinner and presents thing."

I picked up on the fact that he made no mention of his family and also that he very clearly did not want to talk about it, so I didn't push. Keeping cards close to the chest was something I understood all too well.

After a moment, he asked, "How about you?"

I shrugged. "My sister and I take turns going home for Christmas, and it was my turn this year."

He frowned. "By yourself? Gavin didn't go with you?"

My mouth lifted in a cynical half-smile. This was a question I got a lot. Usually, I trotted out a simple stock answer but something about Reid invited confidences, and before I knew it, I was saying, "Gavin's family is wonderful and mine is just... a lot to deal with. He always offers to come with me, but I would feel like an asshole pulling him away from his happy family to join me in my misery."

"I doubt that he'd see it that way," Reid said, his frown deepening. "He'd probably like to be there for you, easing the load."

I lifted my eyebrows and cocked my head, acknowledging the point. I smiled ruefully and admitted, "Sharing the load isn't exactly my forte."

He laughed without humour. "Oh, trust me, I know how that is." He took a deep breath and raked his hand through his hair, his gaze leaving mine as he continued, "My family is a lot to take, too."

I nodded. I sensed what a big deal it was for Reid to reveal even this much, and was careful to keep my expression neutral. Sympathy was easily mistaken for pity, and that's the last thing I'd wanted on the rare occasions when I opened up about my family.

He nudged me and said, "You are like the least nosey person ever."

I smiled at him and replied, "I know what it's like when people push for more information than I'm willing to give. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone else."

"Yeah, well most people don't understand. They just feel bad for you -"

"Which makes you feel even shittier about it," I finished for him.

"Exactly," he said. "It's different with someone who's been through it."

I saw what Reid was offering. The chance to share the load with someone who understood. And for some crazy reason, I felt a sense of kinship with him that I hadn't ever felt with anyone else. But that didn't make it much easier to lay bare a vulnerability that I had guarded fiercely my whole life.

And yet, I found myself taking a shaky breath and pushing the words through the tightness in my chest. "My parents hate each other. They spent my whole childhood screaming at each other in front of us while deluding themselves that they were staying together for our benefit." Reid quirked an eyebrow at the irony. "When they finally divorced, my sister and I were so relieved, but all that changed was that they sniped at each other through us instead. When my sister got engaged, the wedding became all about them competing to be the better parent and making her feel guilty about accepting the other's help. It got so bad that she and her husband ended up eloping and taking an offer to move out of state as soon as one came up." I looked down and shook my head, smiling cynically. "They've been divorced for almost ten years. You'd think they'd have gotten the hang of it by now."

Reid took a swig from his beer and I wished desperately that I had a drink so that I could have something to do with my hands, something to distract me from the sense of panic that always followed letting my guard down. "That sucks," he said simply, and I nodded wordlessly, my eyes looking anywhere but at him as I fought to get a grip on my emotions.

I finally managed a shrug. "You get used to it."

"Do you?" He asked, his voice rough. "I'm still waiting for that to happen."

I looked up at him and this time he was the one looking away as he said, "My mom is bipolar. When I was growing up, our whole household revolved around her up- and down-swings." He swallowed hard and went on,  his voice hardening with bitter resentment. "When I turned 18, I finally had enough and I packed up my sister and moved us to my grandparents' place. My dad tried to stick it out with my mom, but it finally got so bad that even he couldn't ignore the fact that she needed help. She would agree to go into a facility, and the second that the meds kicked in, she'd insist that she was ready to come home. Of course, my dad would cave, and sure enough, the second she got home, she'd go off her meds and they'd be right back at square one."

I fought back the sympathy that threatened to show in my face at the thought of a teenage Reid dealing with this mess, raising himself and his sister in the process. He sighed heavily and said, "After a few years, my dad finally realized that my mom was not getting better. He pushed her to check into long term care and she left him." He took another deep swig from his beer and rolled his shoulders restlessly. "Every once in a while, she surfaces to wreak havoc on my dad and Marley's lives, and then disappears again and they have to pick up the pieces. The rest of the time, we have no idea where she is or how she's doing."

"Jesus, Reid," I said.

He looked over at me with the saddest smile I'd ever seen. "Hey, no feeling bad for me, remember?"

My laugh was shaky and forced. "Right, sorry."

Our eyes met and held. I felt like I couldn't tear my eyes away even if I'd tried, as if our confidences were a physical bond holding us together.

The spell was broken by Jay's loud laughter as he and Rhiannon traipsed over to us. The awareness of our surroundings rushed back, and my face flushed as the weight of my words sunk in. Suddenly, I felt an urge to flee and lock myself behind my strong girl persona.

Rhiannon shoved a drink into my hand, and I forced myself to take a sip and assume a casual air, as if I hadn't just been baring the deepest, darkest part of my soul. As if Reid hadn't been doing the same.

Trailing behind Jay was a cluster of guys, his aforementioned "buddies." Jay made introductions, which bought me a bit more time to regain my shattered composure. The conversation was light and required nothing from me other than to laugh at regular intervals. By the time I hit the bottom of my drink, I was back to normal, every piece of my persona in place.

"Jeez, you thirsty?" The joking remark came from a super tall blond guy whose name I was fairly certain was Paul.

"I have it on good authority that Allie knows how to throw down," Jay chimed in.

"You guys just wish you could keep up with me," I replied playfully. This I could do. Banter was my wheelhouse.

At that moment, the opening chords to Fatboy Slim's "Praise You" rang out and Rhiannon let out a sound that was something between a squeal and a shriek. She dragged me onto the dance floor and the boys followed.

It was considerably closer quarters now and  I felt the fleeting brush of several bodies against mine as we danced. I closed my eyes and gave into my buzz, languidly twisting and swaying along with the music.

Until it registered in my mind that there was one body brushing against mine, too often to be incidental.

I felt a set of hips settle in to cradle my ass and I pivoted sharply to face Tall Blond Paul. I put a hand against his shoulder to push myself away, but his big hands closed around my waist, drawing me closer.

I pushed harder and said firmly, "I have a boyfriend."

He smiled and leaned in, almost yelling over the music, "What?"

One of his hands slipped up my shirt to rest on my bare lower back, while the other slid lower. My head began to spin and the faces around me blurred eerily under the flashing lights. I began to feel hot and claustrophobic in the crush of bodies. I arched my back to rear away from him, but it only brought my hips closer to his. He laughed and tried to draw me even closer, and then suddenly a hand clamped firmly around my waist and yanked me away. I stumbled back against a hard body, and stubble brushed my temple. I tilted my head back and saw Reid, his face rigid with anger as he glared at Paul. He glanced down at me and bit out the words, "You okay?"

I nodded, still trying to swallow down the sick feeling in my throat. Reid turned me around and began to guide me out of the crowd, turning over his shoulder to say something angrily to Paul, who rolled his eyes in response.

When we got to the bar, Reid ordered me a water and I downed it immediately in thirsty gulps. I slammed the glass down on the bar and fanned my face, trying to cool down. Reid looked at me with grim concern, before reaching over to lift the weight of my hair off of my face and neck. The rush of cooler air felt so good that I forgot to be self-conscious about how nasty and sweaty I was, and simply sighed with relief.

I opened my eyes to thank Reid, but the words lodged in my throat at the intensity of his gaze. His eyes roamed hungrily over my face and settled on my parted lips. I felt his look like a physical touch and my bones melted under it. I unconsciously swayed towards him, my hand drifting to his chest. He let out a sharp breath, his hands tightening in my hair.

The jarring sound of a glass hitting the floor caused us both to blink and spring apart as if we'd touched an electrical fence. My head was spinning again, but not from the booze or the heat.

"I gotta - I'm gonna go find -" Reid stammered awkwardly.

"Yeah, me too. Bye!" I managed to splutter out. I spun and pushed through to the corner where Rhiannon and I had ditched our coats. I gathered them up and turned to see her making her way over to me. I signalled to the exit, and she nodded, changing course to meet me there.

Neither of us said a word as we hustled down the stairs and through the lower level. We spilled out into the freezing cold and I inhaled deeply, pushing my arms into my coat.

When I finally turned to look at Rhiannon, concern was written all over her face. And there was a trace of something else. Judgment.

"Allie," she said, warning in her tone, "What the hell was that?"

"What?" I challenged defensively, color rising in my face.

She raised her eyebrows. "Isn't that guy married?"

"Yes, he is," I answered, anger covering something else. Shame. "What about it?"

Surprise rippled across her face. I never got angry with Rhi, never talked to her like this.

I felt a stab of guilt, and cast my eyes down. "Nothing happened," I said quietly. "That Paul guy was grabbing me and Reid pulled me away. That was all."

"Allie," her voice softened. I forced my eyes up to her face, and saw worry written in the creases of her frown. "I saw how you guys looked at each other. You're both playing with fire."

"Nothing happened," I said again, more emphatically this time.

She nodded, her mouth tightening at the obstinance in my face. She ventured one last warning, "Just be careful. I don't want you to get hurt."

Her softly spoken words pierced me in the chest and I felt another hot stab of shame. "I'll be careful," I said.

A distance hung between us like a spectre the whole way back to my apartment. As we washed our makeup off and got ready for bed, Rhiannon's question bounced around in my head.

What the hell was that?

Each time I came up with a different answer.

It was the after effects of the stress of spending the holidays with my parents.

It was the fallout of us confiding in one another after too many drinks.

It was me drinking too much and losing my head.

It was the panic I felt when Paul grabbed me mingling with relief and gratitude when Reid saved me.

Even still I knew that there was another answer lurking at the back of my mind, one that I refused to give voice to. One that made my stomach curdle with shame every time it tried to approach the surface. And that answer was the one closest to the truth.

Holiday Hangover - Part 1

The holidays went exactly how I expected them to go.

My sister and I took turns going home at holidays. She'd done Thanksgiving, so I got Christmas. Lucky me. My parents had divorced eight years ago... And about ten years too late. No matter how I split the time between them, they both thought that the other had gotten the better end of the deal, and would make that very clear through thinly veiled passive-aggressive remarks (Mom) or long silences punctuated with guilt trips (Dad). This year's itinerary was Christmas Eve with my mom, Christmas Day with my dad, and home by noon on the 26th, not a moment too soon.

Rhi called me just after I finished unpacking. I was laying spread eagled on my bed, with the contents of my bag "organized" into various piles on the floor.

"Did you survive?" she asked, by way of greeting.

"Just barely," I groaned. "My dad guilt tripped me about not coming home enough roughly twenty times, and my mom got in about that many hostile comments."

"Oh, so they were both in good spirits then," Rhi said jokingly. She was one of the precious few who knew the deal with my parents. Before the age of Gavin, I'd spent all of my holidays 'off' with Rhi's family. And every time it was my turn to take the holiday bullet, Rhi called to check in and cheer me up as soon as she knew I was home.

"It was one of our best Christmases yet," I replied in the same vein. What can you do? Laugh or you'll cry, right?

"Well if you're not too bagged from all the holiday cheer, I was thinking we'd put on some thoroughly weather inappropriate outfits and go out tomorrow night."

"Dance our feet off and drink our faces off?" I suggested.

"Exaaaaactly."

"That sounds amazing," I said. "The usual plan?"

"Of course," Rhi said, in a mock serious tone. "After all, Christmas is a time for honouring traditions."

The usual plan involved leaving the boy (formerly boys) alone for the night, and getting ready together over wine at my place before walking down a few blocks to Third Base, a sports bar whose upper level became a dance floor after 10. They played a solid blend of top 40 along with 90's and early 00's hits. We hit it up a few times a year, and always once at the holidays. It was the perfect way to shed my holiday hangover and replace it with an actual one.

As we primped in front of my bedroom mirror, glasses of red wine on the dresser in front of us, Rhiannon mentioned in an overly-casual tone, "I called Rachel to invite her out tonight, but she said she's still busy with Derek's family stuff."

"Mm," I acknowledged her words before leaning in to apply a few more coats of mascara.

She heaved a sigh before continuing. "So I'm guessing you're not going to tell me what's going on between you two?"

I exhaled deeply and met her eyes in the mirror. "Honestly Rhi, it's pretty ugly and I don't want to drag you into it. Can we just leave it at that?"

She pulled a face. "I guess." She paused and then said tentatively, "I take it you're not coming to their place for New Year's Eve, then?"

"Nope," I said, trying to ignore the quick sting of hurt that I felt at her words. Rachel and Derek had started hosting New Year's parties a few years ago when they got their apartment. The timing coincided perfectly with all of us realizing what a ripoff it was to pay to get in anywhere. It had been a foregone conclusion that Gavin and I would attend every year, and it hadn't even occurred to me to make other plans. My mouth twisted wryly as I realized just how many more of these little unexpected stings I had left to face.

"Well, I'm not sure if I'm going to go either," Rhi said, her voice drifting off.

I turned to her, surprised. "Why not?"

Rhi looked down, and a faint blush appeared on her cheeks. "Well, because of the whole Eric thing."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up," I said, both of my hands up. "You're going to need to clarify that statement. Define 'the whole Eric thing'."

She leaned into the mirror, steadily avoiding my gaze. "Well, you know that he asked me out."

"Uh huh. And?" I prompted.

"Well I went... and we actually had a pretty good time."

"Okay... And?"

She blushed a little darker. "We've gone out a few times since then."

"What?!" I shoved her in the shoulder. "And you didn't tell me? How many times?"

She rolled her eyes. "I dunno, like four or five?"

My face scrunched up into a frown. "How come you never said anything?"

She shrugged sheepishly. "I was kind of embarrassed. I'd made such a big deal about how I wasn't into him and never would be, and I dunno... I guess I was worried about what you'd think."

I looked down, twirling the mascara wand in my hand. Rachel's angry face flashed before my eyes and her words echoed in my mind. Get off your high horse, Allie.

Was I really so judgmental that Rhi didn't feel like she could talk to me about Eric?

I schooled my face into a light-hearted expression. "Don't be silly, Rhi. Didn't I encourage you to give the poor bastard a shot in the first place?"

"Well yeah," she conceded. "But it was supposed to be like a test run for getting back into dating. It wasn't supposed to actually go anywhere."

"Says who?" I asked.

She shrugged one shoulder, but didn't say anything.

"If you're having a good time with him, why not pursue it?" I said. "If he makes you happy, that's awesome. If he fucks it up, I'll cut his balls off. It's as simple as that."

"Well, it's not like it's anything serious," she said dismissively.

"Oh, okay, so I shouldn't expect my wedding invite just yet?" I teased.

She rolled her eyes. "Like I said, it's just casual. That's why I'm thinking of bailing on the party. If we are both there together, it'll seem all... couple-y." She wrinkled her nose at that.

"God forbid," I said playfully.

"Okay, I'm more than ready to stop beating this dead horse," she said, shooting me an exasperated look. "Can we move on now?"

I laughed and we switched to lighter topics as we put the finishing touches on our looks.  An hour later, we were on our way, just buzzed enough to bear the freezing cold that penetrated our coats to the bare arms beneath.

We ditched our coats in a corner, grabbed drinks and scoped out the place. The dance floor was deserted, but it was still fairly early. Soon the place would fill up and more people would start to dance, or we'd drink enough not to care that we were the only ones out there.

The bar quickly began to fill up, and by the time we finished our second round, we were ready to dance. "Hey Ya" was playing, and I defy you to find a former 00's teen girl who can resist its siren call.

Right in the midst of shaking like a Polaroid picture, I felt a hand close around my waist. A familiar voice drawled in my ear, "Fancy meeting you here."

I spun and found myself looking into wicked blue eyes.

"Jay!" I cried excitedly, throwing my arms around his neck. He laughed and staggered back a step under my affectionate greeting.

"You are well on your way to becoming truly shitfaced, aren't you?" he commented with a grin.

"Just a healthy buzz," I replied, pulling back. I gestured to Rhiannon, who was observing our interaction with amusement. "We got a head start at my place."

Jay's eyes wandered over to Rhiannon and they lit up. "Who's your friend?" he asked.

"Her name is Rhiannon," I said.

"And is Rhiannon single, or is she 'very much unavailable' like you?"

I tilted my head to the side and pondered that question before answering, "Grey area."

He lifted an eyebrow and smirked. "I can work with that."

"Speaking of friends," I said, looking pointedly behind Jay. "Where are yours? Or are you here alone like a creepy predator?"

He pretended to punch me in the shoulder. "It's our buddy's birthday. We're all over at the bar."

His plural pronouns prompted me to follow his nod over my shoulder and my eyes locked with Reid's. He gave me a little wave and I had to fight the flutter in my stomach at the thought of what had happened the last time we'd seen each other. The memories of his heartfelt apology, his surprise at Rachel's reveal, and his sweet comfort hit me like a tidal wave. I felt an immediate impulse to run away and hide the vulnerability that I'd exposed. But Reid had found the balls to face up to me after an awkward situation, and I owed him the same. With a lightness that I didn't feel, I said, "We'll come have a drink with you guys."

I gestured to Rhiannon and the three of us headed over to where Reid was standing at the bar. He watched us approach, a small smile on his face. When I stepped up beside him, his smile grew and he simply said, "Hey."

*****

 Part 2 on Wednesday!